Great Minds of the Reformation Opine about Taylor Swift
“I would nail 95 theses to the church door defending the right to listen to Taylor Swift freely.”
Martin Luther
“Even in my court, rival factions jockeyed for favor—but Kendrick and Drake’s battle for supremacy in music outshines anything Versailles has ever seen.”
Louis XIV
“Thanksgiving is a wise opportunity: reward loyalty with turkey, and the people will love you more than fear you.”
Machiavelli
Most Likely to Start a Drama Riot
Martin Luther
“It appears predestined that she would rise to great fame, for Providence clearly favors her compositions.”
John Calvin
“We sought to stabilize a divided kingdom; Kendrick and Drake, however, divide hearts and ears in their ongoing rivalry.”
William and Mary
“I sculpt with marble, yet I cannot resist carving the turkey before it reaches the table—it is a work of divine inspiration.”
Michelangelo
Most Likely to Drill Everyone at Recess
“Her lyrics should be translated so that every common person may understand the poetry within them.”
John Wycliffe
“In the state of nature, men contend for power. Kendrick and Drake’s feud illustrates this law: without a sovereign ruler of taste, chaos reigns in the realm of music.”
Thomas Hobbes
“A good feast is justice on a plate: all must have enough, and all should give thanks for the plenty.”
Thomas More
Most Likely to Assign Seats Permanently
John Calvin
“The crowd’s devotion to Taylor Swift burns hotter than the fire that consumed me. Would that my call for reform had inspired such unquenchable flames.”
Jan Hus
“I modernized Russia, yet I marvel at how Kendrick and Drake modernize conflict itself, each vying to outshine the other.”
Peter the Great
“The peasants dance around the table, the children chase the geese—Thanksgiving is the perfect depiction of communal joy.”
Pieter Bruegel the Elder
Most Likely to Manipulate the Student Council
Machiavelli
“Had I possessed the wisdom of Taylor Swift’s breakup songs, perhaps I could have avoided a few divorces—and a great deal of paperwork.”
Henry VIII
“One must carefully manage resources—and in this case, the fans—lest Kendrick’s kingdom overshadow Drake’s treasury of influence.”
Jean-Baptiste Colbert
“I print the words ‘Give Thanks’ in bold letters, for even the most illiterate soul can read the spirit of gratitude this day inspires.”
Johannes Gutenberg
Most Likely to Print His Own Yearbook
Johann Gutenberg