Proudest Out of Towner
This wonderful Kosher pizza is named after this New York Borough.
What is Brooklyn Pizza?
The best manager out there, always saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Nothing beats his conference room meetings or his awkward sexual jokes.
Who is Michael Scott?
The candy that makes you laugh, or scratch your head at the bad punchline, I am often found eating this flavor, one that many don't enjoy.
Yellow Laffy Taffy
While this is a leisure activity for most, I rip through my shoes in this intense sport that I play every Sunday night in YU.
What is frisbee?
In my favorite show, The Office, Dwight is desperately trying to climb the latter, but Michael reminds him he really is this.
What is ASSistant to the Regional Manager?
Although there is Chabad and other options, these would be considered the 2 classic Orthodox shul options.
What is EDOS (East Denver Orthodox Synagogue) And DAT (Denver Academy of Torah)?
This yellow fellow isn’t too popular among guys my age, but I love him and still fall asleep to his episodes on more nights than I like to admit.
Who is Spongebob Squarepants?
This sweet candy sensation also comes in a chicken version and is a Denver squad that took me on quite the exciting journey this year.
What is Nuggets?
This core workout, popularized by the famous Yosef "10 minute" Pfeffer, is a key component in maintaining my sexy six pack.
What is planking?
I started this fun game at Skokie with a little twist- everyone had a water gun.
What is assassin?
This curved block in East Denver is the block of me, your dearest Yoni Schreiber.
What is South Newport?
He may be hiding some illegal $h*t (to be read as shtus) and therefore despises things like Strava and the internet, and most things about 21st century human civilization, but until the mega scandal comes out, this guy is definitely a role model of mine.
Who is Jose Miranda?
The embarrassingly low number of donuts I was able to eat during the Donut 5K: Yeshiva University Cross Country Krispy Kreme Classic. Oh, and I was dead last.
What is 4? (also the place I finished. 4 out of 4. Well, technically I didn't finish actually…)
This handy-dandy topsy-turvy trick comes in the clutch at weddings and on the staircases.
What is walking on hands?
One of my best friends is in this faculty position. Could make things like drinking together awkward. But we've made it work somehow.
What is ASSistant coach?
This type of Kosher food can't be purchased in Denver anymore. Denverites enjoyed it for a brief stint, but financial fraud and other shady business caused this to no longer be available in Denver.
What is Chinese Food?
Lauren is lucky this beast of a man is halfway across the world or she'd have competition. After a 6 minute YouTube video I watched on repeat for hours I decided to replace LeBron with this guy as my new favorite athlete. This Kenyan long-distance runner is the current marathon world record holder with a time of 2:01:39 hours. I seek motivation and strength from him everyday.
Who is Eliud Kipchoge?
I’m not the biggest social media guru, but when this free treat was offered, I gave zero %^&$ (read as shtus) that I was all over YU’s snapchat story.
What is ice cream?
Often not thought of as a significant amount of time, this short time span made all the difference for Yoni on VCP in last year's cross country season.
What is 5 seconds?
It was a brisk Shabbus morning at Klein @9 on November 17th when Lauren saw me for the first time. Thanks to Miriam Rosen for getting the ball rolling for us. She was looking like Nikola Jokic out there, we should really credit her with this.
What is ASSist?
The top ice cream place in Denver (according to everyone other than Avi Last), this store is famous for its amazing ice cream and milk shakes.
What is Bonnie Brae?
This woman is a really special part of my life and always makes me smile.
Who is Emmy?
The exact number of Chanukah gelt in the jar that I correctly guessed to make me famous and 5 pounds fatter.
What is 473?
This body part serves an important role for regular people. However, for me, it's also an epic party trick - it’s well within licking range for me (-;
What is elbow?
When shtick needs planning have no fear (bada bada ba pa pa). I have written some epic gramins over the years (bada bada ba pa pa). If you need help writing one out I'm a guarantee (bada bada ba pa pa) I ___ (blank) you we'd get laughs, just you see! Ba pa ba pa ba!
What is ASSure?