Anger Triggers
Name at least 2 other feelings that as they get worse and worse, can turn into anger.
annoyed, frustrated, tired, stressed, sad, hungry, embarrassed, bored, confused, worried, uncomfortable, and lots more.
What happens to a person's muscles sometimes when they get really, really angry?
The muscles get tight and tense. For example, they might clench their jaw or clench their fists.
What do you think the phrase "Let's agree to disagree," means?
It is okay if someone has a different opinion about something. A lot of arguments can be avoided if you don't try to get everyone to see things your way.
Double points if you have an example from your own life.
Put one hand on your chest and the other hand behind your head/neck. Now close your eyes and just pay attention to your breathing. Do it for at least 30 seconds.
Practicing this gets you full points. When we are angry our breathing gets fast and shallow. By slowing down our breathing, or at least paying attention to our breathing, we can slowly start to relax and return to calm. Also, we need as much oxygen in our brain as possible to help us think clear so we don't make things worse when we are angry.
"Be Flexible."
Talk about why this is good advice when it comes to controlling anger.
Sometimes not everything goes our way or how we expected it to go. Sometimes people disagree and there isn't anything we can say or do to change their minds. So learning to compromise and being okay when things aren't perfect will decrease angry and frustrated feelings.
which situation is most likely to trigger anger:
Got an perfect score on math test.
Best friend moved away.
Got in trouble for something you didn't do.
First day at a brand new school.
Got in trouble for something you didn't do. When this happens it makes us think "This isn't fair!" Feeling things are unfair is a big trigger of anger for people. Double points if you can give an example from your own life.
True or false? When a person feels really, really angry their breathing slows down.
False. Actually a person's breathing is more likely to speed up quite a bit. That is why people might say "take a deep breathe" to someone who is getting angry and needs to calm down.
What does the words empathy mean?
Empathy means understanding how someone else might be feeling. Imagining yourself in someone else's shoes. Trying to see a situation from their point of view.
Close your eyes and think about what makes you feel calm, safe, happy, and peaceful.
This is your happy place! You are the mayor of your happy place. It can be whatever you want and nobody can take it from you or change it and it is always available to you because it is in your mind. But you have think about it/practice going there when you are calm too. That practice makes it easier to get to your happy place when you are mad.
"Reach Out."
Talk about how this advice can help control anger.
It is okay to ask for help when you notice your angry feelings getting too big. Maybe you can get help with a problem that is making you really frustrated. Maybe a parent, teacher, or friend can help by reminding you of relaxation skills to calm down.
True or false:
It is okay to feel angry.
True. Anger is a very natural, human emotion. It is how we BEHAVE when we are angry that can be a problem.
Name the superhero whose entire body changes when angry.
The Hulk! Describe what happens to his body, and his behaviors.
Double points if you can remember his real name when he isn't the Hulk.
Charlie and Jack are best friends. They often hang out after school and play all kinds of sports - basketball, kickball, soccer, and lately Charlie has been doing a lot of skateboarding.
Today, Jack wants to play basketball but Charlie wants to go skateboarding. They got into a huge fight about this and then didn't hang out at all and sat at their separate houses bored and grumpy. Jack's mom said, "Maybe you should compromise." What does Jack's mom mean by this?
Compromise is when you give a little and the other person gives a little and you meet somewhere in the middle. So this can include taking turns - sometimes the other person gets what they want and sometimes you do. Or being okay with not getting all of what you want because some of what you want is often better than nothing. Another word for compromise is negotiate - "If you do this, then I will do this." (for example). Explain a solution for Charlie and Jack using the concept of compromising.
What is progressive muscle relaxation?
Anger can feel like a lot of pent up tension or physical stress. We can feel this tension in our muscles. Progressive muscle relaxation is a skill that can relax our body by clenching certain muscle groups as hard as we can for a few seconds, then completely releasing and relaxing those muscles.
Try it now - clench your fists, then relax. Clench your forearms and elbows, then relax. Clench your upper arms and shoulders, then relax.
"Stick to What Matters."
How can this advice from an octopus help to manage your anger?
How important is it that you "win" a certain argument? Does your emotional reaction "fit" the situation? Sometimes if we choose to let the little things go, we can avoid getting in trouble, losing friends, or feeling bad later about how we acted. Give an example of a time you got really mad over something small.
Name at least 3 things that often trigger anger for people.
When we don't get what we want.
When someone hurts someone we care about.
When someone breaks something of ours.
When we have to do something we don't want.
When someone is unkind to us.
When we feel like we are not being listening to.
When we feel like something isn't fair.
Lots of other things as well - everyone has different anger triggers.
When we have an intense feeling, we often have an urge to behave or act in a specific way - giving in to that urge may or may not be good for us, but we still feel it. For example:
Sad - we might want to cry, be alone, lay in our bed.
Scared - we might want to run away, hide, avoid.
Anger - what is a common behavior or urge we have when angry? Your answer should be a verb.
Fight - This can include verbal arguing, yelling, hitting or kicking or throwing things, refusing to follow the rules or to listen to authority.
Whether it is good for us or not, when we are mad we often want to fight with our words or our body. It is human nature. But we have to learn to control our behaviors even when these urges are strong!
The following is a list of things you can do that can SIGNFICANTLY help when you are having an argument with someone. Pick 3 of them and explain how they can help.
Listen
Validate the other person's feelings
Stay calm
Apologize if you made a mistake
Compromise
Watch your body language
Listen - let the other person talk, don't interrupt, maybe even repeat back what you heard so they know you understand their point of view.
Validate - this means you acknowledge how the other person feels WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. You don't have to agree or even understand their feelings.
Stay calm - Once you are upset, you are not thinking clear and the more upset you get, the other person will also get more upset.
Apologize - Own you mistakes! Say sorry of you acted in a way that was wrong. This can virtually end an argument sometimes all by itself.
Compromise - give a little to get a little. This sends the message that both of our opinions matter.
Body Language - Watch your tone of voice, volume of voice, look at the person when they talk and when you talk, appear confident, don't sigh. No eye rolling!!
What does the term "grounding" mean when it comes to managing our feelings and feeling calm?
P.S. It has nothing to do with the consequence of "getting grounded" when we are in trouble - that is something different.
Grounding is when we direct our attention to our physical environment using one, some, or all of our five sense. Grounding techniques can distract us from our angry thoughts and help us stay in control of our feelings if we start to get overwhelmed.
Choose one from the following list to practice right now: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 relax!, close your eyes and give all of your attention to your right foot for 30 seconds, pick up something close to you and look at it really closely and find something you have never noticed about it before, get some cold water and splash on your face or hold something cold to your face, do a yoga pose, or feel free to come up with other ideas too!
"Know How to Get Out of a Tight Spot."
How can this advice from an Octopus help control anger outbursts.
This is good advice because it has to do with solving problems. Problems can cause us to get emotional - frustrated, worried, mad. We need to solve these problems to feel better, but we can't do that if we are really angry. Staying calm helps us think clear so we can fix problems. Have a plan to stay calm.
Charlie and Sam are brothers. They are having a nerf gun war in the backyard. Rules include no face shots. And you get a point every time you hit the other with a nerf bullet. The first time Charlie got hit in the face, he let it go. But it kept happening. And then he shot Sam with a nerf bullet straight in the back, and Sam refused to admit he was shot. Charlie lost his temper at this point. He tackled Sam, kicked him, and their dad had to break it up. Charlie lost his Ipad for 2 days. Sam did not get in trouble.
List the many things in this story that most likely triggered Charlie's anger.
Sam wasn't following the rules. Sam was not being truthful (in Charlie's opinion). Charlie was the one who got in trouble when Sam was the one not following the rules and in Charlie's opinion "started it." Charlie lost his Ipad which is his favorite thing.
How else could Charlie have handled this situation?
When a person is in a TOTAL RAGE, what is the chemical the brain releases that makes them feel so out of control? HINT: starts with the letter A.
Adrenaline. Adrenaline stays in your system for awhile so it may take some time to return to feeling calm again. It can make our muscles tense up, make us feel strong, some people tremble or shake with a lot of adrenaline in their body. A lot of adrenaline can make our pupils appear very large - the black part of our eyeball. Also, adrenaline makes it hard to store information (create memories) so that is why sometimes people say they don't remember what they did when they were so angry. But this is still not an excuse for poor behavior when angry.......
What is the difference between being assertive and being aggressive? Which is a better way to manage conflict?
Assertive - when you stand up for yourself or others when your rights have been violated, someone has treated you poorly, and/or you are setting clear limits so people know what you want and what you don't want. When assertive, you are still kind and still show respect when you are talking to someone. Even if you are having to say "no" or take a stand on something.
Aggressive is when you demand what you want and you are unkind with your words or your body. You might bully someone to get what you want by instilling fear, physically hurting someone, or being mean. Aggressive is forcefully trying to take away someone else's power thinking it will get you what you want. (But it won't, unless what you want is to get grounded).
John learned a breathing exercise 5 weeks ago in a counseling session. He practiced it once in that appointment and liked it, but he hasn't needed to use it since. Today in P.E. one of his classmates started to pick a fight with him and he could tell his anger was brewing so he tried the breathing technique his therapist taught him. But it didn't work and he ended totally losing his temper, got in a physical fight, and found himself in the principal's office. John thought, "See, breathing exercises are stupid and don't work!"
What is another explanation that might explain why the breathing didn't fix things for John?
When we learn something new, we don't become an expert at it, or even good at it, unless we PRACTICE! John needs to practice his breathing exercises often, when he is calm and not angry, then it becomes more of an automatic behavior and his brain will store it in memory more securely. Don't wait until you are really upset to try a brand new skill - it probably won't work that well.
Also, a relaxation skill doesn't solve problems. It helps us to stay calm enough to solve the problems ourselves. So be realistic with expectations.
But John does get credit for at least trying to control his anger and remembering the skill in the first place. That is a good start!
"Exhibit Grace Under Pressure."
How might this advice from an octopus help to manage anger effectively.
Learning to keep our cool in difficult situations and stay calm, even when we are really mad, increases the chances of a good ending. Yelling and screaming often makes things worse. Apologizing for our behaviors or mistakes can often make things better. Trying to understand where someone else is coming from (which is call empathy), can also help to diffuse anger - yours and theirs.