START WITH HEART
The meaning of 'Start with Heart'
What is "focusing on what you really want for yourself, others, and the relationship during a crucial conversation".
What does it mean to 'master my stories'?
It means taking control of the narratives you create in your mind during a conversation and focusing on the facts. Mastering our Stories means taking the power away from them in order to create healthy dialogue. Taking responsibility for our emotions by owning our stories. Our emotions and these stories come from Path To Action, which is: we see an event, we tell ourselves a story [think / assume something], we create an emotion, we act.
What does 'State My Path' mean?
It means expressing your views clearly and respectfully, using facts and your perspective without blame. It means sharing our views in a way that encourages others to respond. We do this by: sharing the facts à telling our story à Ask for their path as well
What are two conditions of safety in a conversation?
Mutual purpose and mutual respect.
What does 'Move to Action' mean?
It’s the step where you turn the discussion into decisions and follow-up actions.
What is a common sign that you’re not starting with heart?
You find yourself blaming others or getting defensive.
What are the three common 'clever stories'?
Victim, villain, and helpless stories.
What’s the formula for stating your path?
Share facts, tell your story, ask for others' paths, and encourage dialogue
What is 'mutual purpose'?
Both parties must understand and agree on the shared goal or reason for the conversation.
What’s one way to ensure decisions are clearly communicated?
Summarize key points and ask for confirmation or feedback.
How can you 'start with heart' when giving difficult feedback?
Starting with Heart when giving difficult news is to identify our good intent and state it. This is the first thing we do when holding a CC, is sharing our good intent when giving difficult feedback.
What is the key step in turning 'victim stories' around?
Asking “what role do I play?”. The goal of this is not assigning blame to them or myself, however creating a sense of self awareness on the big picture.
How can you avoid triggering defensiveness while stating your path?
Speak tentatively and avoid absolute language. Use confidence and Humility.
How can you create safety when emotions flare up?
Step out of the conversation to clarify mutual purpose and reassure the other person.
How do you confirm accountability in a conversation?
Clarify who will do what by when.
Give an example of staying focused on what you really want.
Example Prompt: "I want to help us work better together, so I’m bringing this up to improve our communication.”
How do you separate facts from stories?
Focus on what you saw and heard rather than interpretations or assumptions.
What should you do after stating your path?
Ask for the other person’s viewpoint and listen to their side.
How can you rebuild safety after it’s been broken?
Step out of conversation and reinforce our intent. We do this by using contrasting statements about our intent: “I dos”, and “I don’ts”. Find both mutual purpose and mutual respect
What’s a helpful tool for creating action plans?
Using a decision log or action plan template.
How can you regain focus when emotions are high?
Pause, take a deep breath, and ask yourself, "What do I really want from this conversation?"
What’s the first step in mastering your emotions in a crucial conversation?
Identify the story you’re telling yourself and challenge it by focusing on the facts.
Give an example of tentatively sharing your viewpoint.
EXAMPLE PROMPT: It seems to me that there might have been some confusion. I’d like to hear your perspective.
What’s the difference between 'silence' and 'violence'?
Silence is withdrawing from the conversation; violence is forcing your viewpoint through aggressive behavior.
How do you avoid 'decision drift'?
Review decisions regularly and adjust as needed.