Things I Liked
T.G.I.F
In Chapter X, Jason hanging with his friends on a Friday night playing smash bros and eating pizza was really relatable and reminded me of college days
"Just" Hear Me Out
Before X could Y, Two Things Happened
You use the word "just" a lot in your sentences, I think it could be removed in many instances to shorten sentence length and make things snappier.
"It was either hidden or it was just integrated so well..."
"The third floor was just like the one below..."
"He didn't cycle through the classrooms but instead just stayed in the same one..."
Also, you use the phrase "before X could Y, two things happened" quite a bit. Once with Leo, once with crab, one when Jason enters the witching hour for the first time since waking from his coma. Those are just the three I noticed.
Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto
In chapter 6, it's not made clear enough that Mari is using a notebook because electronics don't work. Later on in the chapter where Jason and Gary are in the witching hour outside the dorm, Jason says electricity doesn't work but this was never stated plainly before so how would he know?
Chapter 8
I like Gary as a character but was really hoping he'd be an early example of stakes, with him dying or getting hurt in his first witching hour and showing Jason that people can be hurt or killed easily and it have lasting effects outside of the witching hour. Or maybe even people who are awake in the witching hour automatically draw demons toward them somehow.
Mari
This may be intended, but when Mari speaks spanish she comes off as very informal, where when she speaks English, she comes off as very formal.
Example: Using shortened versions of phrases like Supuesto instead of Por Supuesto.
Side Note: Twice Jason calls her Madi
Young Adult!
This book being YA is a MUCH better fit for your writing style and characters you like to write and that alone makes it so much more believable and realer than Cosmic. The characters are fun and memorable and the slice of life balances well with what you're aiming for.
You also really nail the power ranger vibes with the group, from Gary chasing after the mountain and doing tests (definitely the most power rangers thing I've read in this book) to Sampson bringing out the group color coded swim trunks at the end 😂
I Hear Voices
Sometimes for about a paragraph or two you'll switch character voices. I'd recommend adding a paragraph break symbol/ the new character's name, or seeing if you can have everything be in Jason's head
Chapter 3 is a good example, there's a paragraph in there that is definitely Judith as we hear her thoughts.
Clyde
May have just been me, but I didn't realize Clyde was calling Mari out for being mixed when he talked to her, I had to flip back and reread his diss again. Maybe italicize the word 'half' or let the reader know through his actions.
"Brought here because you're half any other student that belongs here"
Chapter 10
At this point I was hoping we'd get to see a new person added to the friendicule who would turn out to be a red robed cultist.
I REALLY wanna see more intrigue with the cultists. Again referencing shonen, maybe have a Junpei (JJK) like character who ends up being a red robed cultist or have the kids kill a cultist and the next day at school someone they know doesn't show up and is later reported missing and they eventually connect the dots that some of their classmates are cultists.
Judith
Overall love Judith, she feels competent and strong while still having flaws and things she's struggling with. She gets a lot of screen time and characterization as well.
I still felt like she read as too old a character for Jason (with the exception being the beach date at the end, that was great) but it's mainly in how she speaks, I just don't believe she's a high schooler most of the time. I know you're going for a Mitsuru-type character but having her 'let her hair down' earlier in the story or be vulnerable with Jason more or the other characters would go a long way to help with this.
Side note: I liked how first Judith, then Feng were the 'women in the chair' trope from Persona. Not sure if you're already subverting in later Toku novels, but consider having a guy (maybe when someone get's hurt) taking on that role as well.
"No Siblings. No Parents. No blood. Just true friendship" 🥺
Your cozy scenes really nail a sense of vibes and friendship! If you end up deciding not to change Black Toku to have more stakes, I think it could still work as a cozy supernatural novel (series). Cozy fantasy is very much in right now in our current world climate and this fits in fairly well with what I've read of that. (Legends and Lattes and the like). Not even saying this as a diss, I think this could do very well with minor tweaks in that genre.
Which Witching Hour?
You say at one point that the witching hour is between 2am-4am but also that it's the blink of an eye to normal humans. Is it between 2am and 2:01am? Otherwise I don't understand how other humans wouldn't realize they're missing out 2 hrs of their life.
2:59am and 3am and lasts for 3 hrs, followed by 3:01
Outdoors
Something I noticed, you tend to like outdoor fights more. Adding a cramped indoor one could really help switch things up a bit
Chapter 11/15 (&4)
Chapter 11
Okay now that Judith said cultists don't exist fully in their world (I wish this wasn't true), maybe something like a neutral party (like Strega in P3) who steal/kill/cheat(by finding answer keys to tests in the school if you want to keep it tamer and tie in with themes that the academy is difficult to pass coursework in).
Example: Jason runs into someone else in the witching hour, attempts to invite them back with him and they refuse, as they just want to do their own thing. Maybe he notices they're coming out of the teacher's lounge and holding a folder, and the next week sees that they're a straight A student and gets suspicious, wondering if he should confront them.
Chapter 15
The stuff with the cultists found dead and smiling and the mention that they use human sacrifices feels like it's a little too late in the story. I would have loved this reveal much earlier. (And yes I know it's super briefly hinted at in chapter 4, but it definitely was too brief)
To continue, the cultist later revealed with the power ranger belt made me think again that I wished they didn't just exist in the Witching Hour and were real people outside of it, as you could have so much cooler stakes.
Jason
Jason is solid, a little bit bland but I assume it's because traditionally his template is that of the non-speaking M.C. It wasn't until much later (70% to be accurate) that he has his panic attack. I felt he didn't get much characterization before this, and the date with him and Judith was also quite late in the book but was excellent
It's easy to forget Jason has glasses as they aren't mentioned much at all in the first half of the book. The second half mentions them more but I'd try to add a scene or modify one so they're relevant (maybe they fall off during a fight, or a fight begins and he has to scramble to put them on)
Dem FIGHTS
Your fight scenes are easy to picture and follow and you utilize just enough hard magic in the battle (having characters need to say specific phrases) that it doesn't feel too 'loose'
The first LEO fight especially I was like 'YES LET THEM LOSE!!!!!'
Finish Him
Black Toku feels similar to Cosmic in the regard that all the fights are ended with a 'finisher' by saying a flashy super sentai-esque sentence, not necessarily a bad thing but I hate telegraphing like this as 99% of the time, it tells me the fights over, except the 1 fight it doesn't work (just like in cosmic)
Akihiko Sa'mpso'nada
Now why in the hell does sampson need to be a different kind of magic user (Evoker) ðŸ˜
You had great consistency with just the maguses and the only way I'm accepting this was needed is if Sampson ends up turning out to be evil
Midterms/Finals
During midterms/finals I feel like more stakes are needed. The sequence reads well but it's making the neatly segmented portions of this book stand out, where we go from school fun to fights (usually fun) to school fun and back. I felt like there was no struggle in the exams for Jason aside from comments that he didn't finish first. I get that he studied but like up till now you've been hammering in that the school is brutally hard with it's curriculum and I wanted to see Jason really struggle or even fail one of his exams. (Or at least SOMEONE fails SOMETHING)
On a side note to deal with how things feel segmented. I want fights interrupting school (maybe a late night library project interrupted by the witching hour and Jason has to defend his friends who are frozen in bubbled light from demons). Or one teacher decides to have their final be something outdoors and practical, but at night and covering the witching hour. I want more interaction, drama, mystery, and stakes DAMNIT!
Jason, Judith, Mari, Gary, Sampson, Feng, Percy, Leo, Luke, Clyde, Charlie, Gary Friend 1, Gary Friend 2
To wake up in the witching hour requires a patron, or whatever the cultists have, or pull with the gods, or your an Ultraman
With Percy and Luke's introduction, the amount of characters is becoming quite a bit. Not a terrible thing and I don't think you're WAY over the number I can keep straight, but potentially combining even 2 of them into one person (Like Luke being merged with one of Gary's posse) would help quite a bit. It would also allow for you to characterize the ones that I do want to know more about, like Feng and Sampson.
Gods
I liked the explanation of the gods wanting to be worshipped, and the reasoning for characters being able to get stronger
Judith Vs. Sampson
Not seeing this fight play out feels unfair
Leo Round 2
The redo fight with LEO was less interesting as I felt like I already knew how it was going to go down before it even began. You settled back into the usual strokes of your fights, and like I mentioned in 56%, it could only keep things interesting for so long.
56%
By the time I was 56% through this book, the battles seemed to play out mostly the same, and I was hoping for a change of pace.
After the first LEO battle I really wish you'd mentioned how Mari's broken wrist or Gary's injuries hindered them at all, as it felt like those just kinda got glossed over. Even Jason's coma didn't have any lasting consequences it seemed.
Edit: Jason went into coma due to healing all of his friends after Leo fight Phase 1.
Charlie
Charlie was really interesting as a character, with some good mystery as to how his wand and demons work. Also gay rep, yay!
HOWEVER, it's yet ANOTHER magic system being introduced, which I feel muddies the waters a bit in terms of you being able to expand upon what you have with the maguses.