Types of Boundaries
You want to go to a movie tonight with your sibling. They are usually late for things and the movie starts at 5:00pm. You say "I would appreciate it if you can let me know if you will be running late." What type of boundary is this?
Time
You notice your roommate has been eating your food in the refrigerator. You never told them that they could eat your food and you spent the money on it. What would you say to set a boundary with them?
"I'd like to keep our food separate. If there is something of mine that you want, please ask me before taking it."
You meet a someone new at a football game. They ask for your social media information. You do not want this information given out. What do you say to set a boundary with this person?
"I am not comfortable giving out this information until I get to know you better."
True or False: You should always explain why you have set a boundary with someone
False
You do not need to justify or prove your wants and needs. It is ok to just say "no."
What are some feelings that may occur when someone does not respect our boundaries?
Fear (worried, frightened, anxious);
Anger (agitated, annoyed, hostile);
Sadness (hurt, disappointed, distressed);
Surprise (confused, shocked)
You have a distant family member coming to visit. You do not know them yet and are not comfortable giving them a hug. When they come to greet you, you say "Nice to meet you" and put your hand out to shake. What type of boundary is this?
Physical
Your friend calls you up at 1:00 AM to discuss problems in their relationship. You need to wake up at 5:00 AM for work. What would you say to set a boundary with them?
"I can tell you are upset, and I can chat for 15 minutes, but then I need to sleep as I need to be up at 5:00 AM. Then, we can we meet and talk tomorrow."
Your family member is calling you a nickname from your childhood that you do not like. What do you say to set a boundary with them?
"I do not like that nickname. I would appreciate it if you could use my name."
True or False: Your boundaries are able to be changed.
True
It is normal for your boundaries to shift with people over time. We might not be okay with something at the beginning of a relationship, but we might be totally cool with it a few months down the line. On the other hand, we might realize something crosses a boundary for us after experiencing it for the first time. Every person has the right to change their mind about what their boundaries are at any time.
True or False: Healthy boundaries are how we control the behavior of other people
False
Healthy boundaries are about controlling our own behavior. So, rather than telling another person to behave in a certain way (or to stop behaving in a certain way), we simply let them know that a behavior of theirs upsets us and, in the future, if/when they engage in that behavior, you will respond to that in a self-protective way.
You are out to dinner with a friend and they ask you to talk about your treatment. You are not comfortable talking to them about it so you say "That is too personal for me to discuss with you." What type of boundary is this?
Emotional Boundaries
You invited a friend over for the evening, but now it is getting late. You would like to get ready for bed, but your friend seems unaware of how late it is. What would you say to set a boundary with this friend?
"It is getting a little late and I would like to get going to bed soon."
Someone at work forgot to do the assignment the boss asked the whole department to work on. They ask you for yours so they can copy off of you. You do not share your ideas. What would you say to set a boundary with them?
"I am not comfortable with sharing my work. Maybe I can help you with your ideas during our lunch break."
True or False: Boundaries are often determined by personal values.
True
Example: If you value personal space you can set a boundary for people to not hug you when greeting you.
True or False: Setting boundaries involves saying no all the time
False
Learning to say no is a big part of proper boundary setting, but this is not the end all be all. Learning to say no is ultimately about learning to say yes to the things that truly matter in your relationships with yourself and others.
It's getting late and you have a big exam tomorrow. You also have two more episodes left of your favorite show. You tell yourself that you need to go to bed and the show will be there tomorrow. What type of boundary is this?
Time
You missed a few days at work due to a family emergency. When you get back, a co-worker asks what happened. You feel this information is personal, and do not want to share. What would you say to set a boundary with your co-worker?
"I would like keep that to myself."
"I'm not ready to talk about that at this time."
Your coworker needed a day off of work. They decided to cross their name off the schedule and put your name on it without asking. What would you say to set a boundary with your coworker?
"I feel offended that you changed the schedule without speaking to me. I would appreciate if you asked me to cover your shift before you change the schedule."
True or False: You can't set boundaries with yourself.
False
Boundaries help you monitor your own behavior and create a healthy structure for your life. (example: going to bed at a certain time, limiting social media, sticking to a budget)
Why is it important to set healthy boundaries?
(Give at least two reasons)
To practice self-care and self-respect.
To communicate your needs in a relationship.
To make time and space for positive interactions.
To set limits in a relationship in a way that is healthy.
You are expressing your opinions on the latest political discussion. You have already asked if your friends were comfortable discussing this, and they have agreed. After you finish your opinion, a friend states that you are wrong, and continue to disrespect you. What boundary did your friend violate?
Intellectual
You and a friend are playing video games. Your friend is using language that is offensive to you. How can you set a boundary with that friend?
"I am not comfortable when you use those words around me. Would you please try to not use them."
Your friend is asking to borrow a book that you love. You are not comfortable with them taking it because they did not return the last book they borrowed. What would you say to set a boundary?
"I am not comfortable letting you borrow my book until you return the last book you borrowed."
True or False: Boundaries are a form of self-care.
True
Setting boundaries shows that you understand that you deserve to be treated well and that your wants and needs are valid.
Why is being assertive useful in setting boundaries?
People who lack assertiveness skills have difficulty saying “no." Assertiveness involves confidence and self-assurance. It is about speaking for yourself respectfully, without being aggressive or submissive.