Classic Christmas Movies
Oh WONDERFUL.
A sad man, a broken bridge, and an angel with boundary issues.
This black-and-white emotional ambush stars James Stewart learning gratitude.
Gross.
It's a Wonderful Life
GASP! Bells! Sleighs! Reckless joy!
This song has the AUDACITY to ask, “What fun is it?”
I’ll tell you — noise.
Jingle Bells
Perched atop the tree.
Shining. Judging. Watching you eat your third cookie.
Is it divine or decorative? Either way — uncomfortable.
Star or Angel
Oh LOOK — tiny noses, big smiles, and a suspicious amount of cheer.
These loud little citizens of Whoville sing, celebrate,
and refuse to stop being happy no matter what I do.
Unacceptable behavior.
the Whos
You pull it. It explodes. Everyone screams.
Inside: a joke, a toy, and a paper hat you’ll regret immediately.
Festive nonsense.
Christmas Cracker
Congratulations, parents of the year!
You packed the luggage, the passports, the guilt —
but forgot ONE CHILD while flying to THIS city.
Outstanding incompetence.
Paris
Oh LOOK — a snowman.
With a hat. And a pipe. And ZERO survival instincts.
This song celebrates his very short, very damp life.
Frosty the Snowman
Count them. Slowly.
Antlers. Hooves. One glowing nose carrying the whole operation.
THIS many reindeer pull Santa’s unrealistic workload.
9
Loyalty. Devotion. Zero dignity.
This poor creature pulls sleighs, wears antlers,
and worships a green menace who treats him like furniture.
Heartbreaking.
Max
Nine days. Parades. Singing. Commitment issues solved.
Mexico celebrates Christmas with THIS enthusiastic buildup.
Overachievers.
Las Posadas
Ding ding! A ghost train fueled by vibes and unchecked belief.
Children board without supervision and head north
to a place where skepticism is illegal.
Terrifying.
The Polar Express
Tiny singer. Massive lung capacity.
This song spins around a tree like it’s had three espressos.
Sit down. Please.
Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree
Miserly. Mean. Moisturized with hate.
THIS is Scrooge’s first name —
say it like you disapprove.
Ebenezar
Keys missing. Socks gone. Sanity questionable.
Blame THESE freeloading chaos gremlins —
the imaginary excuse for your incompetence.
Goblin or Gnome
Japan looked at Christmas dinner and said,
“No thank you — we’ll take buckets of THIS instead.”
Bold. Efficient. Respectable.
KFC
One full-sized man.
Raised by THESE aggressively cheerful craftspeople
who smile like they’re hiding something.
Nature vs nurture lost badly.
Elves
Every December… like a seasonal plague…
THIS song awakens from hibernation
to dominate radios, stores, and your soul.
Resistance is adorable.
All I Want for Christmas is You
You walk under it…
Suddenly HR is involved.
This plant causes chaos every December.
Mistletoe
Horns. Chains. Breath like regret.
This Alpine nightmare doesn’t correct children —
he emotionally devastates them.
Efficient. Inspirational.
Krampus
A witch. On a broom. With gifts.
Italy waits until THIS holiday
for her dramatic entrance.
Fashionably late.
Epiphany (January 6th)
Explosions. Terrorists. No shoes.
Every December, people argue whether THIS movie counts as Christmas.
Chaos. Violence. Tradition.
Die Hard
Dramatic bell music blasts through your speakers.
You assume “holiday,” but surprise —
THIS country started it. Education hurts.
Ukraine
Someone in THIS country said,
“Let’s bring a TREE inside the house
and act shocked when it dies.”
Visionaries.
Germany
Lives in a barn. Eats porridge. Judges your soul.
This folklore freeloader protects farms
only if you have manners —
so you’re doomed.
Nisse (or Tomte)
Hide THESE or risk supernatural nonsense.
Norway does not play games with folklore —
unlike the rest of you.
Brooms