What would you do?
Your roommate says, “I hate when people leave dishes in the sink overnight.” You sometimes do that. What would you say?
This example of someone attempting to rectify a situation where. They feel wronged, not necessarily an argument if you can fix the problem/ are responsible for it, many answers can fit this response!
"I hate people of color"
harm
“I hear what you’re saying, and I see it differently.”
Using “I” statements.
“You never take out the trash.”
They value cleanliness / shared responsibility.
What is one difference between disagreement and harm?
Disagreement = different opinions.
Harm = language or behavior that targets identity, dignity, or safety.
You meet someone on the street who has a speaker and is ranting with very explicit language about random religious and political ideologies. They approach you and ask you questions about your affiliations. What do you do?
Walk away/get somewhere you feel safe/don't engage etc
“Everyone at Wellesley is cliquey.”
Disagreement
“So what I’m hearing is that you felt ignored when I didn’t text back?”
Reflective listening!
“You didn’t invite me.”
They value inclusion / belonging.
What’s one phrase you can use to lower defensiveness in a tense conversation?
uh yeah sure whatever you said
A friend says, “I just don’t think mental health days are a real thing.” You strongly disagree.
“I see it differently — mental health impacts academics just like physical health. Can I share why I think they matter?”
✔ Signals disagreement
✔ Invites conversation instead of escalating
“I don’t think classes should have reserved spots for first years.”
Disagreement — policy opinion, not targeting identity.
“I need a minute to calm down so I can respond thoughtfully.”
Taking a pause / Emotional regulation.
“You’re always on your phone when I’m talking.”
They value attention / respect.
Someone tells you that something you said regarding a political issue upset them, what do you do?
“Thank you for telling me. I didn’t intend to hurt you. Can you tell me a bit about why what I said hurt?”
It might sound robotic and unrealistic, but sometimes getting to that place of understanding about impact and intent requires more blunt statements that leave no room for interpretation.
Someone makes a joke that stereotypes a group but says, “Relax, I didn’t mean it like that.”
“I know you might not have meant harm, but jokes like that can reinforce stereotypes. That’s why it felt uncomfortable.”
✔ Separates intent from impact
✔ Addresses behavior, not the person
If it becomes/ or is a pattern, this approach can and should change
“I just think everyone should stop bringing politics into everything.”
Context-dependent — can function as Harm.
Why? On its surface, it’s a preference about tone. However, for people whose identities are politicized (race, gender, immigration status, etc.), asking them to “leave politics out” can invalidate lived realities.
This isn’t automatically harm — but it can silence marginalized experiences depending on who says it and how.
“I don’t think we’re going to agree on this, but I respect that this matters to you.”
Agreeing to disagree respectfully.
“I just think people should work harder instead of asking for help.”
They may value independence, personal responsibility, or self-sufficiency.
You feel attacked in a conversation. What is the first thing you should enact (as in regulate and assess) — your words or your emotions?
emotions!
You can’t first give an opinion if you don't know how you feel. Once you do know you can regulate them to continue a productive conversation.
A close friend posts something negative online related to a political issue surrounding a part of your identity. You care about the friendship but feel hurt. What would you do?
ex. “I value our friendship, so I wanted to talk about your post. It impacted me in this way. Can we talk about what you meant?”
(Private repair-focused conversation + impact over accusation.)
“Why does everything have to be about identity?”
context-dependent/ relevance
When speaking about something that may have caused you harm due to you identifying as something, this statement may be harmful as it attempts to minimize the impact of someone's actions.
When someone uses facets of their identity to negate responsibility for harm they may have caused others, this could be used as a criticism of one's actions and not to avoid conversations about identity, however poorly phrased. This should lead to another conversation about how this statement could be better said.
“I don’t think you meant to hurt me, but here’s how it landed.”
Separating intent from impact.
“People on campus are way too man-hating.”
They value equality/ equal respect
Why is repair more important than “winning” in hard conversations?
Because long-term relationships and community trust matter more than proving a point. Winning can damage connection; repair strengthens it.