Animal Jokes
What kind of sweaters do tortoises wear?
Turtle Necks
Why do spiders enjoy computers so much?
They like to play on the web
What happens when a grape is getting old and cranky?
It starts to wine
x 5 Why was the piano locked out of the house?
It lost its keys
When are teachers most annoying?
When they get test-y
How can you tell a whale is sad?
x4 How do you keep a computer's breath fresh?
Give it a docu-mint
What fruit unlocks doors?
Can you clean your teeth with a musical instrument?
Yes, use a tuba toothpaste
How can you get your pen to march?
Yell, "Left, write! Left, write, left!"
Why are fish so easy to fool?
Because they're so gill-able
Why did the computer call the exterminator?
It had a mouse
Why did the banana get a speeding ticket?
He got caught peeling out of the parking lot
What instrument do dogs play?
The trom-bone
x3 What class do snakes teach at school?
Hiss-tory
x2 What's a good name for an oyster?
Pearl
How do computers get into honors classes?
They do through a screen-ing process
x2 Why did the police photograph the cup of coffee?
To get its mug shot
What instrument is ideal for shopping at the mall?
How do omelets get into school?
They have to pass an egg-zam
What energy snacks to chimps like?
Monkey bars
Which TV shows are the cleanest?
Soaps
How do you send a bouquet to someone on Mother's Day?
You caul-i-flower shop
Did the drum win the contest?
No, it got beat
Why are prisoners good at biology?
Because they know a lot about cells
Where do pigs sleep in the summertime?
How do prisoners stay in touch with each other?
With their CELL phones
How do you get a piece of bread to do you a favor?
You butter it up
What musical instruments are donated to hospitals?
Organs
Why didn't the teacher call on the lightbulb?
Because it was a bit dim
What's a good name for a duck?
Bill
Why do you need an ATM to make pizza?
That's where you get the dough!
What's a good snack to eat on Father's Day?
Pop-corn
How did the trumpet do when he auditioned for the orchestra?
He blew it
Where can toddlers plant flowers at school?
What do you give a dog to make him laugh?
A funny bone
How did the police officer stop the runaway refrigerator?
She yelled, "FREEZE!"
Why couldn't the egg get good TV reception?
How did the violin get into the orchestra
It pulled some strings
Where in school are you most likely to catch a cold?
A bald eagle
Why do surgeons get so many phone calls?
Because they're big operators
Why didn't the oatmeal cookie like the chocolate cookie?
It had a chip on its shoulder
The Bermuda Triangle
When are teachers awesome?
When they have a lot of class
What police unit do flies fear the most?
The SWAT team
How do you borrow a camera?
Someone lens it to you
What do balloons drink at birthday parties?
Pop
What pants make beautiful music?
Bell bottoms
What happens when a cartoon character gets in trouble at school?
Suspended animation