TIPP
The "T" in TIPP stands for this cold-temperature technique that can quickly reduce intense emotions.
What is temperature change (or using ice/cold water)?
You’re feeling extremely angry after a confrontation with a friend. The heat of the moment is making you more upset, and you feel like you might say something you'll regret. Remembering the Temperature skill, you grab an ice pack from the freezer and press it to the back of your neck. The cold sensation immediately helps to interrupt the anger response, cooling your body and giving you a moment to pause. After a few moments, your mind starts to clear, and you're able to think more rationally before responding to your friend.
One of the first steps to improving attachment security is this practice, which involves becoming aware of your current attachment style.
What is self-reflection?
Jane has been struggling with feeling overwhelmed and insecure in her relationships. She often feels like her partner doesn’t care enough about her, and she constantly seeks reassurance. After reading about attachment styles, she decides to take some time for self-reflection. She journals about her past relationships and how she reacts when she feels abandoned or misunderstood. This process helps Jane realize that she has an anxious attachment style, and she begins to understand how her past experiences are influencing her current behavior. With this awareness, she can now start to work on strategies to become more secure in her relationships.
This love language involves expressing affection through verbal affirmations and compliments.
What is words of affirmation?
The "P" in PAUSE stands for this action, which helps you stop and take a moment before reacting impulsively.
What is "Pull back" or "Pause"?
You’re in a heated argument with a coworker. Your frustration is rising, and you're about to say something harsh in retaliation. Instead of reacting immediately, you remember the Pull Back step. You take a deep breath, step away from the conversation for a moment, and give yourself a break to avoid saying something you might regret later.
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This physical activity, represented by the "I" in TIPP, helps to release pent-up anger and lower emotional intensity.
What is intense exercise?
You’ve just received a frustrating email from your boss, and you can feel your anger building up. You know if you don’t release that energy, it will affect your mood for the rest of the day. Instead of letting the anger fester, you decide to engage in Intense Exercise. You go for a brisk jog around the block or do a quick round of jumping jacks. The physical activity helps release the built-up tension, and your anger is significantly reduced. You return to the situation feeling more calm and in control.
True or False: People with an anxious attachment style can benefit from learning to manage their emotions and communicate needs more effectively in relationships.
What is true?
Mark often feels neglected in his relationship and tends to become anxious and reactive when he doesn’t get enough attention from his partner. He frequently demands reassurance and becomes upset when his needs aren’t met. His therapist suggests that Mark learn to manage his emotions by practicing calming techniques like deep breathing or journaling when he feels triggered. Additionally, he learns to communicate his needs more effectively by saying, "I need more quality time with you this week" rather than demanding constant validation. Mark finds that these changes help him feel more secure in the relationship and reduce his anxiety.
People with this love language feel most loved when they receive gifts that show thoughtfulness and effort.
What is receiving gifts?
The "A" in PAUSE encourages you to engage in this practice, which can help you clear your mind and focus on your body.
What is "Assess" your thoughts and feelings?
You’ve received a critical comment from your partner about something you did. Your immediate instinct is to get defensive. However, you pause and use the Assess step to check in with yourself. You ask, “What’s making me feel so upset? Is this comment really about me, or is it about something else?” This helps you separate the emotion from the situation and think more clearly.
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The first "P" in TIPP refers to this controlled technique to calm the nervous system and manage anger.
What is paced breathing?
You’re stuck in traffic, and you’re late for an important meeting. The frustration is making your anger spike, and you feel overwhelmed. In that moment, you remember the Paced Breathing technique. You focus on taking slow, deep breaths—inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, and exhale for 4 counts. After several cycles of paced breathing, your anger begins to subside, and you feel more centered. With your mind clearer, you're able to think through alternative solutions to make it to the meeting on time.
For individuals with an anxious attachment style, developing this skill can help them feel more confident and less fearful in relationships.
What is self-soothing or self-care?
Sarah often finds herself getting upset when her partner doesn’t immediately respond to texts or messages. She starts to feel anxious and assumes her partner is losing interest in her. One day, Sarah’s therapist encourages her to practice self-soothing techniques, like taking a warm bath, going for a walk, or doing some deep breathing exercises when she feels anxious. Over time, Sarah becomes more adept at calming herself down and learning that her partner’s delayed responses aren’t a reflection of his feelings for her. She starts to feel more confident and less dependent on external reassurance.
For those who speak this love language, actions like holding hands, hugging, and cuddling are the most meaningful expressions of love.
What is physical touch?
The "U" in PAUSE stands for this action, where you examine your options before reacting to a situation.
What is "Understand" your choices or options?
After the argument with your coworker, you use the Understand step. You realize that your coworker’s comments weren’t personal but more about their own stress. You recognize that you’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately too, and this context helps you understand their perspective. By understanding, you're better able to decide how to approach the situation next time.
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The second "P" in TIPP involves this type of muscle activity to release tension caused by anger.
What is paired muscle relaxation (or progressive muscle relaxation)?
You’ve just had a disagreement with a colleague, and your fists are clenched, your jaw is tight, and your body feels tense from the anger. Instead of letting it build up, you decide to use the Progressive Muscle Relaxation technique. You start by consciously tensing and relaxing the muscles in your feet, then move up through your legs, stomach, and arms. As you relax each muscle group, your anger starts to melt away, and you feel more relaxed and able to think clearly. By the time you finish, you feel calm enough to approach the situation with a clear head.
The concept of "radical acceptance" can help people with this attachment style learn to accept the unpredictability of relationships, reducing the impact of their fear of rejection.
What is disorganized attachment?
Lucas has struggled with disorganized attachment due to early childhood experiences of inconsistent caregiving. As an adult, he often finds himself overwhelmed by fear of rejection, yet simultaneously pushing others away. In therapy, Lucas learns about radical acceptance, a concept that helps him accept the uncertainty and unpredictability of relationships. He begins to understand that not every disagreement or period of distance in his relationships means rejection. By practicing radical acceptance, Lucas learns to tolerate the discomfort of uncertainty and reduce his anxiety about being abandoned. Over time, this helps him build more stable and trusting relationships.
This love language emphasizes quality time spent together, with undivided attention and meaningful conversation.
What is quality time?
The "S" in PAUSE involves this approach, where you practice calming yourself and finding a way to regulate your emotions.
What is "Soothe" yourself?
You’re feeling extremely triggered after an intense conversation with a family member. Instead of letting your anger control your actions, you use the Soothe step. You take a few moments to calm yourself by doing something that helps you feel grounded, like listening to calming music, taking a walk, or practicing deep breathing. This helps you reduce your emotional intensity.
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True or False: TIPP skills are designed to help manage overwhelming emotions, including anger, by targeting the body's physical response.
What is true?
Individuals with disorganized attachment often experience difficulty with trust. Building trust in relationships can be supported by practicing this, where both partners communicate openly and consistently.
What is vulnerability?
Emily has a history of disorganized attachment and struggles with trusting others, even though she deeply desires close relationships. She often finds herself feeling confused and fearful in her romantic relationships, pushing people away even when she cares about them. During therapy, Emily learns the importance of vulnerability in building trust. She practices opening up to her partner about her fears and past experiences without the fear of judgment. Over time, Emily’s partner responds with understanding and empathy, which helps her feel safer and more trusting. By continuing to practice vulnerability, Emily gradually builds a more secure connection with her partner.
Individuals with this love language feel loved through acts of service, such as helping with tasks or taking care of responsibilities.
What is acts of service?
The "E" in PAUSE suggests this action, which helps you make a decision that aligns with your values rather than reacting impulsively.
What is "Evaluate" the situation and choose a wise response?
Now that you’ve calmed down and taken some time to reflect, you use the Evaluate step. You think about how best to respond to your family member. You recognize that it would be more helpful to express your feelings calmly rather than escalating the conflict. You choose to approach them with a solution-focused mindset, focusing on open communication instead of defensiveness.
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