Our Lord and Saviour Becky
What barrier did we use to prevent Becky from going upstairs?
A baby gate.
What did Kelly and I paint on the back of the house, much to mom’s chagrin?
The Drake prayer hands and ”If You’re Reading This it’s Too Late.”
What body parts of mine are double jointed?
My elbows.
A house on our street was busted years ago because of what drug?
Weed, they were a grow op.
What drug did mom accidentally inject into herself during a staff meeting in front of all her coworkers?
Epi-Pen.
What SSRI was Becky prescribed?
Prozac.
What breed of dog did Kelly and I accidentally dognap from someone’s front lawn?
What soccer player was I in love with as a teen?
Gareth Bale.
In 2018, what Orleans high school was the beating of a 15 year old by four other teenagers filmed at?
St. Peter Catholic High School.
How did dad used to communicate with me and Kelly when we came home from school and he wasn’t there?
He would leave us handwritten notes on paper on the floor.
What item was Becky obsessed with licking?
Dad’s pillow.
Owen was almost born retarded, but they C-sectioned him instead. What body part was Owen’s umbilical cord wrapped around?
His foot.
What was the first hard liquor I threw up on?
Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum.
What former commander of the Canadian Forces Base in Trenton was also a murderer who broke into more than 30 homes in Orleans?
Russell Williams.
What very not-romantic building did Dad propose to Mom by?
A slaughterhouse.
On what body part did Becky once bite me— rightfully so— after I blew in her ear as a kid?
My nose.
When Owen was little, what terrorist organization did I convince him our family was apart of but he had to kept it a secret?
The IRA.
What is one of my biggest but also dumbest pet peeves?
When people sneeze.
At a high school party, my friend Nick lied about __________________ which directly resulted in a bunch of police showing up to the house and at least 100 teenagers sprinting away in every direction.
He lied about his mom owning the house. It was a house that had been sold and we were all illegally trespassing without knowing.
One time in dad’s red car with the tape player, dad picked up a __________ and told me not to tell mom. We dropped the __________ off at the Beer Store.
A hobo.
What was the name of the Rottweiler (or it could’ve been a pittbull) that dragged Becky around like a ragdoll at someone’s cottage?
Chewy.
One time in high school I had my friends Shane and Sara over and Kelly was annoyed with me, so she hid Shane’s ________ in the kitchen cabinet we keep tea in.
Shoes.
What job do I think I’d be really good at even though I have zero training?
Voice acting.
One summer day during COVID, I was at Aidan O’Connor’s house when his mom burst through the front door saying there was police outside everywhere because of the crime that had just happened in the house across from us… What was that crime?
Men broke into the house, tied up the woman there, and then stole their valuables from their safe.
One time years ago when mom was drinking wine with Donna in the living room, what ethnicity did she say my real father was?
Asian.