TACTICS
Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her. Threatening to leave her, to commit suicide, to report her to welfare. Making her drop charges. Making her do illegal things. Using phrases, like you better, and because I said so.
What is, Using Coercion and Threats.
Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict, accepting change, being willing to comprise. I do not always have to be right.
What is Negotiation and Fairness
Treating you like you are a servant, acting like he is master of the castle, making all the "big" decisions, defining your role/job.
What is USING MALE PRIVILEGE
The abuser feels entitled to a certain level of subservience from his partner. She/or everyone in my household should agree with me. I get the final say.
What is Hierarchy
What are the statements, gestures, tone of voice, physical contact or presence, facial expressions, you use to demonstrate quality respect, trust, and support with your partner?
What is ACTIONS
Making her afraid by using a look, actions, gestures. Smashing things. Destroying her property. Abusing pets. Displaying weapons.
What is, Using Intimidation.
My kids can come to me and talk about anything, being a positive non-violent role model for the children. Kids can count on me, my partner can trust me with the children.
What is Responsible Parenting
Preventing her from getting or keeping a job, his job is more important. Making her ask for money, and have to account for how money is being spent. Taking her money, giving her an allowance, and not letting her have access to the family money.
What is the using Economic Abuse.
There is more judgment of her, she is too sloppy, doesn't do anything right, too fat. No longer Shelly or Monica. She is crazy, erratic out of control. The abuser sets himself apart from his victim and believes she is not worthy of respect.
What is, Objectification.
What thoughts do you have that support your actions and intents? I'm willing to change, I know I can live in a non-violent relationship.
What are BELIEFS
Putting her down. Making her feel bad about herself. Calling her names. Making her think she is crazy. Playing mind games. Humiliating her. Making her feel guilty.
What is Using Emotional Abuse.
Accepting responsibility for self, acknowledging past use of violence, admitting being wrong, communicating openly and truthfully.
What is, Honesty and Accountability.
If I back down I'll look bad, stupid, or foolish. If she leaves me I won't be able to survive. If I don't put her in her place, she'll walk all over me. If I don't win this argument I'll be less of a man, I can't be embarrassed in front of my friends the children others.
What is Desperation
Thinking
Example: If I only made him feel more secure, he would feel better about us. The victim will believe it is their responsibility to take care of him to help him feel better. Often they are taught to believe it is their role in life to submit they are conditioned that if they step out of this role they knew better and deserve the violence.
What is, Forced Submission.
What do you want to have happen when you act this way?
What are INTENTS
Controlling what she does, who she sees, who she talks to, what she reads, where she goes. Limiting her outside time and involvement. Using jealousy to justify your action.
What is Using Isolation.
Listening to her non-judgmentally, being emotionally affirming and understanding, valuing opinions. Not rolling your eyes when she says something that you do not like.
What is, Respect.
That is the dumbest thing that I've ever heard. You don't know what you're talking about. Only a fool would think that. Of course, a woman would think that. Because I'm always right.
What is Intolerant thinking
Examples: I believe I have a right to use violence, if you call the police, no one will believe you. The bolder the abuser gets there is no pressure to stop. There is no accountability for the violence. They expect compliance from everyone and will use whatever it takes to keep people in their place.
What is, Violence With Impunity.
What is the impact when you choose to act this way
What are EFFECTS
Making light of the abuse, and not taking her concerns seriously. Saying the abuse did not happen. It's You that make me yell. Shifting responsibility for abusive behavior.
What is, Minimizing Denying And Blaming.
I believe in her, and her goals in life, respecting her right to her own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions.
What is, Trust and Support.
I've told you a million times. Why can't you get this straight? If you don't like it, then get out. I want it done my way. I'm not listening to this you.
What is Inflexible Thinking.
Acts of retaliation, Self defense. This violence exists because they are afraid, not physically strong, they feel trapped, they are at the bottom of the pyramid
What is Resistive Violence
How does your past behavior impact your efforts to have an equal partnership?
What is PAST USE OF VIOLENCE