Thinking Errors
Ignoring the good
Explanation: Ignoring the good is when we pay more attention to bad things, and ignore when something good happens.
Examples: You get one answer wrong on a long test and all you think about is the mistake you made or you score two goals in your soccer game but all you can think about is the shot you missed.
Consider: When we are striving to change our behaviors and communication, we can often forget about progress we make because we are fixated on the concept of perfection or total relief.
Tip: Consider if your hard days are less hard then before, or if mornings are hard but the entire day isn't a "bad day".
Nervous
"I feel nervous when ________ because _____."
Tip: think about the last 2-4 weeks and when nervousness maybe came up for you when interacting with other people (or other family members).
FAVORITE HOLIDAY
"My favorite holiday is __________ and my favorite family tradition or family memory around this holiday is ________________."
Other family members may respond with their own favorite traditions or memories from that same holiday.
Example: "Dad, I feel disregarded by you when I begin to speak and you interrupt me. I want to feel like when I am speaking what I have to say is important to you and I need to be uninterrupted."
Practice: Make your own clarifying statement about a want or need and an emotion or "I feel" statement.
Source Responsibility
Explanation: By taking responsibility that the thought/idea you are presenting if from you, it keeps the person receiving the message from feeling blamed. This is usually referred to as making an "I" statement. An example would be saying, "I am really angry," as opposed to "you make me sad".
Practice: "I take responsibility for when I said ___, maybe what I should have said is ____."
Blowing Things Up
Explanation: Blowing things up is when we make a big deal out of something small, or making something a little bit bad seem like the worst thing ever.
Examples: You get a stain on your new shoes and you think they are ruined and can't be worn anymore.
"I'm not allowed to see my friends on Friday, my life is horrible, I have the worst life ever!"
Embarrassed
"I feel embarrassed when _______ because ______."
Reminder: We all feel embarrassed and sometimes embarrassment is especially uncomfortable and can trigger anger. Think of the anger ice cap!
Tip: Think about the last 2-4 weeks and when embarrassment maybe came up for you when interacting with other people (or other family members).
One thing I could get better at is...
Family members may refrain from making a follow up statement that adds to this statement.
A positive, relational statement that could be made when someone shares about a goal or desire to improve could be:
"I appreciate that you are considering getting better at ______. Do you need any support with this?"
Examples: "I need you to load the dishwasher before bedtime." OR "I need you to sign my for for school before I leave for the bus."
Application: Identify a direct request someone in this family has made in the last two weeks.
Brevity
Explanation: Various studies have shown that a listener only hears the first 5-10 words of what we say.
Therefore, the briefer you are, the more your intended message will be heard.
Mind Reading
Explanation: Mind reading is believing you know what someone else is thinking, or why they are doing something, without having enough information.
Examples: "People are looking at me. They are thinking my shirt is ugly." OR "My sibling didn't want to spend time with me, I bet she is annoyed by me or thinks I am weird."
Lonely
"I feel lonely when _____ because _______."
Tip: think about the last 2-4 weeks and when loneliness maybe came up for you when interacting with other people (or other family members).
Reminder: Loneliness is especially painful and indicates a disconnect or a struggle to connect. If a family member is disclosing loneliness, remember to practice active listening and trying to respond by offering a reassuring statement.
Share something your family does well together.
Reminder: the more we decrease negativity and increase hope and positivity, the more we desire to inspire change towards even more hope and positivity in our relationships. (The easier it gets).
What are impact statements?
Explanation: We use impact statements when we need to express a feeling or emotion.
Examples: "I worry about you when I find out you haven't completed your homework, because I am afraid you will fail the class." OR "I am angry that you didn't ask me my side of the story because it feels as if you don't care about what happened."
Practice: "I feel ______ when you _______ because _______."
Concreteness & Behavior Specificity
Example of not being concrete or specific: "Sam, your being really annoying."
Example of being concrete or specific: "Sam, I feel frustrated when you constantly repeat yourself before letting me respond. Can you ask me once and then allow me the chance to answer your question?"
Fortune Telling
Explanation: Fortune telling is thinking you know what will happen in the future... and maybe even that it will be bad.
Example: "I know if I ask her to take me to the store she is going to say no." "I bet nobody will care that it is my birthday".
Tip: Let's practice experimenting and being curious with one another in a safe way.
Guilty
"I feel guilty when _______ because _______."
Tip: think about the last 2-4 weeks and when guilt or shame maybe came up for you when interacting with other people (or other family members).
Reminder: Guilt and shame are especially heavy things for us to carry. Consider if we can offer our loved one a reflection back to them that includes our own "I feel" statement.
I feel special when _________.
Tip: We all want to know what in life (any part of your life) allows you to feel special but it would be really helpful to find out when you have felt special with the people you are playing this game with....
In the last 2-4 weeks when did you feel special?
Identify if this is a Direct Request or Impact Statement:
I need to ask someone to do a specific activity or give me specific information.
What is Direct Request?
Congruence
Explanation: The point of a message can get lost if the message is delivered in a way that emotions or nonverbal behaviors become the focus. It is important that your tone and nonverbal cues match the topic.
What are nonverbal cues?
Challenge: Can all family members brainstorm examples of "helpful" and "unhelpful" descriptors for tone of voice and nonverbal cues or behaviors.
"Should" statements
Examples: "People should always be nice to me." OR "I shouldn't have to ask someone to take initiative with a chore that wasn't already expressed as a expectation, they should just know to pitch in."
Pick your own emotion!
"I feel _____ when _____ because _______."
Tip: Use an emotions wheel or emotions chart if you are having trouble choosing an emotion!
Share something you can do when you are frustrated with another family member?
Tip: Remember the basics of communication when brainstorming behaviors or actions you can take when frustrated with family members.
For example: remember source responsibility.
Identify if this is a Direct Request or Impact Statement:
I need to express a feeling or emotion to another person.
Presenting Alternatives
Explanation: Listeners respond better when provided with options instead of demands.
Practice: Think of an example over the last 2-4 weeks when you felt you were presented alternatives.
Tip: If you can't think of any, ask for help from a family member.