Clarifying Questions
“Can you give me an example?”
Someone might hear:
“You’re exaggerating.” OR “You’re making this up.”
I meant:
I want something concrete so we can solve the issue and determine if this is an isolated incident vs. a growing trend and target improvements appropriately.
“I see it a little differently.”
Someone might hear:
“You’re wrong.”
I meant:
I have another perspective to add and would like to share that.
“I’d rather stay out of that.”
Someone might hear:
“You’re avoiding responsibility.” or “You’re not willing to handle the issue that is in your role.”
What I meant:
“I’m uncomfortable with this situation and unsure how to handle it.”
“Walk me through your thinking.”
Someone might hear:
“You didn’t think this through.”
I meant:
I want to understand your reasoning and any factors that led up to this decision or outcome.
"I already made the decision or took care of that."
Someone might hear:
“You bypassed me.”
I meant:
“I was trying to move quickly within my authority.” AND "I was attempting to support."
“Help me understand what happened.”
Someone might hear:
“You need to defend yourself.” or “Who messed up?”
I meant:
I want more context before reacting and want to be sure I understand the details.
“I’m not sure that’s accurate.”
Someone might hear:
“You made a mistake.”
I meant:
I have different information or insight that changes the lens.
“Who owns or is responsible for this?”
Someone might hear:
“You messed this up.” OR "You are looking for a reason to blame someone." OR “Not mine.”
What I meant:
“Let’s clarify who is responsible so nothing falls through the cracks.”
“What do you suggest?”
Someone might hear:
“You should have the answer.”
I meant:
I value your expertise and want your input.
“Let’s see how it goes and adjust or pivot if needed.”
Someone might hear:
“This isn’t well thought out.” or "This is slapped together."
What I meant:
“We’ll learn as we go and refine the approach - agile design.”
“When did this start happening?"
Someone might hear:
“You should have told me sooner.”
I meant:
I’m trying to understand the timeline and pinpoint influencing factors.
“Can we explore another option?” or "We may need to rethink this."
Someone might hear:
“Your idea won’t work.” or “You built this wrong.”
I meant:
Let’s consider alternatives before we make a decision. We’re evolving. Let’s pressure-test this before we scale it.
“We’re doing everything and they are doing nothing.”
Someone might hear:
“You’re attacking another team or department.”
What I probably meant:
“I’m feeling overwhelmed with my own work. I’m not sure what steps are happening on the other side of the process."
“What might we be missing?”
Someone might hear:
“The plan or product isn’t good enough.”
I meant:
I want us to pressure-test the plan.
“I trust you can address this.”
Someone might hear:
“You’re on your own.”
I meant:
You have the authority, skills, and tools available to be successful without doing it for you or micromanaging you.
“How often is this occurring?” or “This seems to keep happening.”
Someone might hear:
“You’re not managing this well.” OR “You’re blaming my team.”
I meant:
I’m trying to determine if this is a pattern and isolate any routines that may be related. I’m noticing a pattern and want to address the system.
“I think we might be solving the wrong problem."
Someone might hear:
“This was a bad idea.”
I meant:
Let’s reassess the root issue and make sure we are not going too far from the original purpose.
“Can you show me how is this affecting your team?”
Someone might hear:
“You’re exaggerating.”
I heard:
“I want to understand the tangible operational impact.”
“What concerns you about this plan?”
Someone might hear:
“You’re being negative.”
I meant:
I want to identify risks early.
“Let’s check before we send that out.”
Someone might hear:
“You can’t send anything.” or "I don't trust your information." or "You can’t send anything without me."
I meant:
This has broader implications and could need some more input or support from others before going forward. I need to protect you.
“What data or information are we using to support that?”
Someone might hear:
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” OR "Why do I need to prove things - you don't trust me."
I meant:
Let’s ground this discussion in data and not feelings - moving towards No Ego leadership model. If we anchor in data, we avoid opinion battles.
“Let’s take a step back.”
Someone might hear:
“You’re moving too fast or going out of your lane.”
I meant:
I want to prevent issues in the future by thinking things through, seeking other's feedback, or looking at the problem differently.
"The team is overwhelmed right now."
Someone might hear:
“You’re asking too much.” or “You expect me to lower standards.”
What I meant:
“I’m concerned about sustainability, quality, or outcomes and want to talk about workload.” AND “I need help prioritizing so we don’t burn people out or lose quality.”
"Can you Paint it Done?"
“Let’s take this offline.”
Someone might hear:
“Stop talking or you are saying something wrong.”
What I meant:
“This conversation might be better handled outside this meeting.” There may be other information you do not have yet, others in the room that are not needed for the deeper discussion needed, or should not be involved in the decision.