Jokes
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast.
I invented a new word!
Plagiarism!
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”
How does Moses make tea?
He brews.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”
Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory.
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.
What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business!
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
Put lox on it.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
Thanks— I’ll never part with it!
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta!