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Why did the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two-tired!
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
Why don’t some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don’t work out.
Why don't magicians do well in school?
They always have tricks up their sleeves.
Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
Why did Mickey Mouse become an astronaut?
So he could visit Pluto!
I'm reading a book on anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down!
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.
What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crummy!
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because it wasn’t peeling well!
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
A ghost have a house, what room does the ghost don't need?
A living room!
How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience!
How do you organize a space party?
You planet!
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have tiny ant-bodies!
Why don’t oysters share their pearls?
Because they’re shellfish!
Why did the scarecrow become a successful neurosurgeon?
Because he was outstanding in his field and had a knack for brain surgery on the side!
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the courtroom?
Odor in the court!
Want to hear a construction joke?
Sorry, I’m still working on it.
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business!
Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.