How Do I Know When I'm Controlling?
Controlling behavior-Whether it is my own or someone else's- makes everyone nervous. If I am doing the controlling, I feel this because I am determined to get (or avoid getting) something specific from those around me.
I was not consciously aware that my silence was anger or that it was affecting others.
Becoming aware of our predictable reactions to certain situations will lead us to recognize out preferred means of control-and our intended results.
What is looking for pattern behaviors?
As adults, we have trouble with this because it's seen as the same as giving up control.
What is trust?
We try to control others because we feel _____ in our own relationships.
What is powerless?
Open anger that begins with the word you. If I can't help pointing the finger at someone as the cause of my unhappiness, controlling behavior is bound to be part of the problem. I try to make them feel guilty for my unhappiness. I want someone else to change first.
What is blaming?
Agreeing because it seems like the only acceptable course of action. Not considering alternatives or attempts to negotiate.
What is Habit/ Did not know I had a choice?
When we decide to believe in ourselves and to be honest with ourselves, our self-esteem rises.
What is deciding to trust our own feelings and perceptions?
Not only do we find it hard to trust others, we find it hard to trust_____.
What is ourselves?
Until we work on having___,___, and ___, we will continue to look to others for validation.
What is self-respect, dignity, and integrity?
I am afraid of negative personal consequences- someone will do or think or discover or reveal something awful- if I don't act now.
What is urgency?
Because there was no response, I assumed others felt a certain way.
What is assumptions that made me feel worse?
We must learn to see that we have other alternatives.
What is identifying alternatives?
We do this to avoid uncaring or unloving responses to those we love and learn it is safer not to reveal our pain or admit our needs.
What is develop ways to protect ourselves?
We can work on accepting what we can't change, changing this.
What is what we can?
If I am unwilling to accept how I feel in a situation or if I don't like how others feel (or might feel), I may be trying to control whatever is going on between us.
What is refusing to feel?
Feeling belittled or trapped, needing support and validation but not asking for it. Seeking negative attention by being angrily silent. I got the attention I wanted, but reinforced my low self-esteem.
What is getting what I wanted but it wasn't what I needed?
We need to ask more about what others really think and feel. Curiously, knowing the truth-even if it's awful-often relieves tension and clear the air.
What is check out assumptions.
Risking trust requires_____.
Needing to control prevents us from this.
What is learning to love ourselves?
Compulsive controlling behavior is not bad or shameful or disgusting. Rather it is ____.
What is a sign of distress?
I wanted to say no, but agreed anyway.
What is doubting my feelings/ Not doing what I felt like doing?
Taking a "needs inventory" in various places in life. Admitting we have needs and letting go of the image to be perfect, self-sufficient, aloof, and always in control.
What is deciding what we really need and start looking for it.
We will continue to avoid risk by falling back on our old habits of controlling others to feel secure if we don't strengthen this.
What is our inner core?
What can we control?
What is ourselves?