🧊 Anger Iceberg
What’s above the iceberg?
Big behaviors people can see (yelling, crossing arms, shutting down, walking away).
“I know they’re mad at me” (without checking) is…
Mind-reading
“If it’s not perfect, don’t do it” is…
All-or-nothing / perfection thinking
Clue: The 4 survival modes are…
Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn
Name 1 body warning sign.
fast heart, tense fists, frown/eyebrows tight, hot face, tight chest, jaw clench.
What’s below the iceberg?
Feelings, thoughts, and needs (hurt, embarrassed, left out, worried; thoughts like “not fair”; needs like help/space).
“Everything will go wrong” is…
Future-guessing / predicting the worst
“Everyone is better than me” is…
Comparing + Disqualifying the positive.
Fight looks like…
snapping, arguing, yelling, clenched fists, wanting to prove you’re right, “talking back.”
Do the psychological sigh (how?)
Two quick inhales through the nose (second is smaller), then a long slow exhale.
Name one hidden feeling that can hide under anger.
hurt, embarrassed, left out, sad, scared, overwhelmed, ashamed, worried.
Best detective question for mind-reading:
Are these facts or feelings? What's the evidence?
"Must/Should” thinking sounds like…
“I must get an A.” “I should never mess up.” “I have to be nice all the time.”
Flight looks like…
leaving, walking away, avoiding, going to the computer, “I’m not doing this.”
Make a 3-step calm plan for this: "I'm in a new space where I don't really know. Anybody. And I have to talk to people I don't know when I really don't want to."
Name it (What's the feeling?)
Body Tool (What can i do to relax?)
Next move (What do I do next that might help?)
Name it: “I’m getting overwhelmed.”
Body tool: 3 slow breaths / sigh / relax fists
Next move: ask for help / short break / try one step
If you’re overwhelmed, what might you need?
Quiet / break / space / help getting started.
Spot the trap + fix it:
“I didn’t get picked. Nobody likes me.”
Trap = mind-reading / overgeneralizing.
Fix = “I feel disappointed. One moment doesn’t prove nobody likes me. I can ask a friend to sit with me.”
Spot the trap + fix it:
“Marcus gets it fast. I’ll never catch up.”
Trap = comparing + future-guessing. Fix = “I’m on my own pace. I can ask for one step and practice.”
Freeze looks like…
stuck, blank mind, can’t talk, quiet, staring, body feels heavy, “shut down.”
“You’re in class. Someone touches your stuff / annoys you. Your urge is to yell or leave.” What do you do that helps without making it worse?
Body: unclench fists + 3 breaths / psych sigh
Boundary: “Stop. Not okay.” (calm voice)
Move: turn body away / focus on paper / ask to switch seats
Support: signal teacher / ask for a 2-minute break
Coach line: “I can handle this. Stay in it.”
Build a mini Iceberg for this moment: “I Got a question wrong in front of the whole class. I wanted to leave.”
Above (what people saw): walked away / head down / “whatever”
Below feeling: embarrassed / overwhelmed / worried
Thought: “I’ll look dumb”
Need: break + reassurance / help / clear steps
Better choice: ask for help / 2-minute break / try one problem
Create a “Coach line” for this trap: “I’m going to embarrass myself.”
“I can be nervous and still try.”
“Mistakes are allowed while learning.”
“Stay two more minutes.”
“Trying is the assignment.”
Make a flexible rule for Max-style thinking:
“I must be perfect or it doesn’t count.”
“I want to do well, and my progress counts.”
“Good enough is still effort.”
“Practice can look messy.”
Fawn looks like…
people-pleasing to stay safe: “It’s fine,” apologizing when you didn’t do it, laughing along, agreeing so conflict stops.
True or false, you have to do everything you feel the urge to do when you're dealing with big feelings.
False- Your brain will tell you to do it, but if it's not helpful, you don't have to do it.