The Four Steps
This is the first of the four steps, where you articulate the emotional experience triggered—often something from your “Pain I Feel” list.
What is “Say what you feel”?
This is the emotionally driven pattern in which partners react at one another, rather than responding with compassion or patience.
What is the pain cycle?
This is a dynamic described as murky in the beginning, with unclear roles, rituals and hazy traditions.
What are Blended Families
Without this, alongside a commitment to turn away from the behavior, reconciliation is considered impossible.
In step two of the four steps, you're asked to name this—your instinctive reaction to pain that often sabotages connection.
What are coping behaviors?
Some call it getting "triggered".
What is dysregulation
Murky waters in which there is a natural blindness to pain within individuals and their partners.
What are Dating Couples
A temptation that the offending partner may have while confessing.
What is blaming
This third step involves speaking a grounding truth, often from the couple’s peace cycle, that counters the lies of pain.
What is “Say the truth”?
When both partners enter this alternate cycle, behavior becomes safe, loving, and rooted in truth rather than pain.
What is the peace cycle?
These murky waters produces unexpected challenges and results in limited time to nurture "usness"
What are Parenting Transitions
Considered the 3rd part, after a partner has confessed and repented, on the road to forgiveness.
What is granting forgiveness
This final step invites new patterns by stating what action you will take that is rooted in truth rather than reactivity.
What is “Say what you will do differently”?
Considered the two primary FIGHT coping reactions
What is "Blame and Control"
This murky water includes elements like financial stress, chronic ilness, and aging parents.
What are External Tsunamis
Considered the first step on the road to reconciliation.
What is honest acknowledgment of what has happened.
This phrase is recommended as the sentence starter that signals an attempt at self-regulation.
What is “What I know about me is…”
Considered the two FLIGHT coping reactions
What is "Shame, Escape"
This murky water includes violations like abuse, infidelity, or emotional unavailability.
What is Rebuilding Trust
Considered the last (and most times longest) step on the road to reconciliation.
What is Rebuilding trust over t i m e.