Dictionary 1
A device for awakening people who don’t have small children
Ouch
The first word spoken by children who have older siblings
Goldilocks’ mother
“I’ve got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"
Michelangelo’s mother
“Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”
“It’s spicy” is universal mom code for
“I don’t want to share.”
The fastest way to spread news isn’t on the internet. It’s by
telling your mom
Dumbwaiter
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert
Top bunk
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas
Humpty Dumpty’s mother
“Humpty, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!”
Batman’s mother
“It’s a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?”
Motherhood is like a fairy tale, but in reverse.
You start out in a beautiful ball gown and end up in stained rags cleaning up after little people.
I asked a police recruit during an exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He said:
“Call for backup.”
Family planning
The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from the edge of financial disaster
Momster
A mother after she counts to three
Mona Lisa’s mother
“After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”
Superman’s mother
“Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we’ve decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?”
Some days you question your parenting. Other days you
have to question your child’s childing
Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then:
silence is suspicious
Feedback
The inevitable result when your baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots
Whoops
An exclamation that roughly translates to “get some paper towels”
Christopher Columbus’ mother
“I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!”
Paul Revere’s mother
“I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!”
How kids say goodnight:
“I fed the dog, and now he’s making a funny noise.”
My mom told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much. I said:
“Oh, yeah? Just you wait.”
Full name
What you call your child when you’re mad at him
Puddle
A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it
Albert Einstein’s mother
“But Albert, it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?”
Abraham Lincoln’s mother
“Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?
Good moms let their kids lick the beaters. Great moms:
turn them off first.
What’s the fastest land mammal?
A toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.