Randy-isms
This is Randy’s dessert of choice every single night, because apparently dinner is just the opening act.
What is ice cream?
Every night, Presley knows the clock is ticking until this exact time, also known as Greenie o’clock.
What is 9:30?
This child of Randy’s famously received a private health-class lesson when Randy had to explain what “constipation” meant.
Who is Jordan?
This is the age Randy turns today, which means he’s officially eligible for senior discounts and emotionally eligible to reject every restaurant suggestion.
What is 65?
This is Randy’s final pre-departure ritual, usually performed at the exact moment everyone thought they were already leaving.
What is “go to the bathroom”?
No matter the weather, no dog walk is complete until Randy straps on this essential piece of nighttime adventure gear.
What is a headlamp?
This family member is Randy’s best friend, college buddy, and honorary brother — basically proof that sometimes cousins come with sibling energy.
Who is Uncle Scott?
This nickname was earned because Randy is the guy you call when something breaks, needs fixing, or has already been “fixed” by someone less qualified.
What is Handy Randy?
This is Randy’s automatic response whenever bread, pasta, cake, or anything remotely gluten-adjacent enters the room.
What is “I can’t have that”?
This is the holiday when Jordan and Chloe thought, “You know what Mom and Dad need? A surprise full-time roommate with paws.”
What is Christmas?
This brother of Randy is known for making surprise appearances, proving that “unannounced” is apparently a valid RSVP.
Who is Uncle Alan?
This is Randy’s most complained-about body part — and the one he recently hurt so badly, it led to the historic family event of Randy trying weed gummies for the first time.
What is his back?
This is Randy’s signature family dinner move when he’s trying to say “you guys eat first” without using words
During Presley’s chaotic puppy era, after enough indoor peeing and general criminal activity, Randy briefly considered doing this.
What is gave her back?
This sibling of Randy was the chosen one in the San Juan house, earning the rare luxury of having their very own room.
Who is Auntie Linda?
This is the dance move Randy unexpectedly went viral for on TikTok, earning over 8 million views and permanently changing the family’s understanding of his talents.
What is twerking?
This is Randy’s new retirement job, where the hours are flexible, the content never ends, and the algorithm is now basically a family member.
What is YouTube?
Before she became Presley, Randy’s dog originally came with this name
What is Lucy?
This is how long Randy’s parents knew each other before getting engaged, proving that in their era, “taking it slow” was apparently optional.
What is two weeks?
This is Randy’s deeply unnecessary hidden talent involving his feet, usually revealed only after his kids volunteer him like he’s a circus act.
What is wiggling his pinky toes?