🧠 Spot the Pattern
Parent says: “I guess your (other parent) doesn’t care about your schedule."
What’s happening here?
- Putting kid in the middle
- Negative talk about other parent
Parent: “Don’t tell your (other parent) I said this.”
What’s a safe response?
“I'm not okay with keeping secrets between you guys.”
“Can you tell her that yourself?”
Making the schedule/figuring out logistics
Whose job?
Parents
Thought: “This is all my fault.”
👉 Reframe?
“This is an adult problem, not caused by me.”
Parent asks you to keep a small secret
👉 What’s a boundary?
“I don’t feel comfortable keeping secrets between parents.”
You feel like you have to agree with each parent when you’re with them.
What’s the pattern/going on here?
Kid feeling pressure to take sides
Parent: “What did your (other parent) say about me?”
Response?
“I don’t know about that stuff.”
“I just want to hang out right now.”
“Can we talk about something else?”
“I don’t want to be in the middle.”
“That’s something you should talk to him/her about.”
Making sure a parent feels better after a bad day
Whose job?
The parent’s job (kids can care, but don't have to fix it)
Thought: “I have to pick a side.”
👉 Reframe?
“I can care about both parents without choosing.”
Parent starts criticizing the other parent
👉 Boundary?
“I don’t want to hear mean things about them.”
You don’t tell one parent something because you’re worried how they’ll react.
What might this show?
- Not feeling totally safe to say things
- Feeling like you have to be careful what you say
Parent is venting their emotions to kid
How could you respond?
“I care about you, but I think this is something to talk about with another adult.”
Deciding how rules differ in each house
Whose job?
Parents
Thought: “If I say no, they’ll be upset.”
👉 Reframe?
“They might feel upset, and that's okay. I can still say what I need" (have boundaries)
Parent asks you to report back on the other house
👉 Boundary?
“I want to stay out of the middle.”
Share what you enjoyed/went well
A parent asks you to deliver a message to the other parent.
What’s the dynamic?
- Boundary crossing
- Kid being used as messenger
Parent asks: “Who do you want to live with more?”
Response?
“I care about both of you—I don’t want to choose.”
“It makes me a little uncomfortable to talk about that.”
“I don’t like being in the middle.”
“I’d rather not get into that.”
Telling a parent when something feels uncomfortable
Whose job?
Mine/ Kid can do this, but adults must respond appropriately
Thought: “I need to keep everyone happy.”
👉 Reframe?
“It’s not my job to manage everyone’s (or adult's) feelings.”
Parent is upset and leaning on you emotionally
👉 Boundary?
“I care about you, but I think this is something for adults to handle.”
Let's say you feel responsible for keeping both parents calm.
What’s the false thinking here?
“It’s my job to keep everyone okay” (false responsibility)
Parent guilt-tripping: “I guess you like their house better.”
How could you respond?
“I care about both homes.”
“It feels uncomfortable when it sounds like I have to choose.”
Fixing communication between parents
Whose job?
Parents, kid is not responsible
Thought: “If I don’t help, things will get worse.”
👉 Reframe?
"It's not my job to fix adult problems.”
Parent ignores your boundary and keeps pushing
👉 What next?
Say it again calmly/ Repeat boundary ("I still don't feel comfortable talking about that." or "I hear you, I just don't want to be in the middle")
Take a break/ Leave the room / Change activity
Tell another safe adult