Immobilization and Denial
I feel uneasy about the changes in my thinking, feelings, and behavior. This uneasiness comes and goes and usually lasts only a short time. Sometimes I feel afraid that I won't be able to stay sober, but I don't want to think about it.
What is Worrying about Myself?
I feel angry because of the inability to behave the way I want to. Sometimes the anger, shame, and guilt lead me to hide the warning signs and stop talking honestly with others about what I am experiencing. The longer I keep the warning signs hidden, the stronger they become. I try to manage the warning signs and find that I can't do it. As a result, I choose to believe that I must be hopeless and I feel sorry for myself.
What is Unreasonable Resentment?
I start getting confused more often, and the confusion is more severe and lasts longer. I'm not sure what is right or wrong. I don't know what to do to solve my problems because everything I try seems to make them worse. I get angry at myself because I can't solve my problems and just keep making things worse.
What are Periods of Confusion?
I feel irritable and frustrated. I start losing my temper for no real reason and feeling guilty afterwards. I often overreact to small things that really shouldn't make any difference. I start avoiding people because I am afraid that I might lose control and get violent. The effort to control myself adds to the stress and tension.
What is Easily Angered?
I begin to think that my recovery program is not as important as it used to be. Sometimes things are going so well that I don't believe that I need to put a lot of effort into my program. At other times, I have problems that my recovery program doesn't seem to help and I ask myself, "Why bother?"
What is Change in Thinking?
I deal with feeling uneasy in the same way I used to deal with my addiction--I go into denial and try to persuade myself hat everything is OK when it really isn't. Sometimes the denial works and I can forget my problems and feel better for a little while. I usually don't know I'm using denial when I am doing it. It is only when I think about the situation later that I am able to recognize how badly I was feeling and how I denied those feelings.
What is Denying that I'm Worried?
I experience more and more difficulty in controlling thoughts, emotions, judgments, and behaviors. This progressive and disabling loss of control begins to cause serious problems in all areas of life. It begins to affect my health. No matter how hard I try to regain control, I am unable to do so.
What is Loss of Behavioral Control?
At times I have difficulty learning new information, skills, and remembering things. Things I want to remember seem to dissolve or evaporate from my mind within minutes. I also have problems remembering key events from some or all periods of my life. At times, I remember things clearly, but at other times, these same memories will not come to mind. I believe they are blocked, stuck, or that I am cut off from these memories. At times, the inability to remember things causes me to make bad decisions that I would not normally have made if my memory were working properly.
What is Difficulty in Remembering Things?
I feel disappointed because alcohol and drugs don't do for me what I thought they would. I feel guilty because I believe that I have done something wrong by using (addictively). I feel ashamed because I start to believe that I am defective and worthless as a perosn and my relapse proves it.
What are Disappointment, Shame, and Guilt?
I begin to feel more stressed than usual. Sometimes this is the result of a problem or situation that is easy to see. At other times, it is the result of little problems that cause stress to build up slowly over time.
What is Increased Stress?
It becomes more difficult to concentrate or figure things out. I have fantasies of escaping or being rescued from it all by an event unlikely to happen. The "if only" syndrome becomes more common in conversation. I start daydreaming and wishing for things that I want without doing anything to try to get them.
What is Daydreaming and Wishful Thinking?
I stop attending all AA/NA meetings. If I am taking Antabuse, I may forget to take it or deliberately avoid taking it regularly. If a sponsor or helping person is part of treatment, tension and conflict develop and become so severe that the relationship usually ends. I may drop out of professional counseling even though I need help and know it.
What is Discontinuing All Treatment and AA/NA?
My relationships with friends, family, counselors, and other recovering people become strained. Sometimes I feel threatened when others talk about the changes they are noticing in my behavior and moods. At other times, I just don't care what they say. The arguments and conflicts get worse despite my efforts to resolve them. I start to feel guilty.
What is Irritation with Friends?
I convince myself that I have no choice but to use alcohol and drugs and that using will somehow make my problems better or allow me to escape from them for a little while. I plan to try either using socially or going on a short-term binge. If I try to be a controlled social/recreational user, I start using a little bit on a regular basis. If I decide to go out on a short-term binge, I plan a chemical-use episode that will be a "one-time only, time-limited, controlled binge."
What is Attempting Controlled Use?
I start acting differently. I still look and sound good on the outside, but I know deep down that I am not practicing my program the way I used to. Deep inside, I know that something is going wrong.
What is Change in Behavior?
I have a vague desire to "be happy" or to have "things work out," but I don't set up any plans to make those things happen. I want to be happy, but I have no idea what I can do to achieve this. I am not willing to work hard or pay the price for the happiness that I want. I start wishing that something magical would happen to rescue me from my problems.
What is an Immature Wish to be Happy?
I feel completely overwhelmed. I believe that there is no way out except, drinking/using, suicide, or insanity. I believe I am helpless, desperate, and about to go crazy.
What are Overwhelming Loneliness, Frustration, Anger, and Tension?
I start having trouble dealing with stress. Sometimes I feel numb and can't recognize the minor signs of daily stress. At other times, I seem overwhelmed by severe stress for no real reason. When I feel stressed out I cannot relax no matter what I try. The things other people do to relax either don't work for me or they make the stress worse. I get so tense that I am not in control. The stress starts to get so bad that I can't do the things I normally do. I get afraid that I will collapse physically or emotionally.
What is Difficulty in Managing Stress?
I start having severe problems with my health and life. Marriage/relationships, jobs, and friendships are seriously damaged. Eventually, my physical health suffers and I become so ill that I need professional treatment.
What are Life and Health Problems?
I start having unpleasant feelings that I don't like. Sometimes I feel euphoric, like everything is going my way even when I know that it is really not. At other times, I feel depressed, like nothing is working out. I know that these mood sweeps are not good for me.
What is Change in Feeling?
I begin to believe I'm a failure who will never be able to get anything right. The failures may be real or imagined. I exaggerate small problems and blow them out of proportion while failing to noice anything that I do right. I start to believe that "I've tried my best and recovery isn't working out."
What are Feelings that Nothing Can Be Solved?
I start to have difficulty dealing with my emotions and feelings; sometimes I overreact emotionally and feel too much. At other times, I become emotionally numb and can't figure out what I am feeling. Sometimes I have strange or "crazy feelings" for no apparent reason. I start to think I might be going crazy. I have strong mood swings and periodically feel depressed, anxious, and scarred. As a result of this, I don't trust my feelings and emotions and often try to ignore, stuff, or forget about them. My mood sweeps start causing me new problems.
What is Difficulty in Managing Feelings and Emotions?
I start having trouble thinking clearly and solving usually simple problems. Sometimes my mind races and I can't shut it off, while at other times it seems to shut off or go blank. My minds tends to wander and I have difficulty thinking about something for more than a few minutes. I get confused and have trouble figuring how one thing relates to of affects other things. I also have difficulty deciding what to do next in order to manage my life and recovery. As a result, I tend to make bad decisions that I would not have made if I were thinking clearly.
What is Difficulty in Thinking Clearly?