How do we feel? conversations
Why is vulnerability so important?
When someone shares vulnerabilities with us, and we share with them, we feel more connected, more caring, and listen more attentively (Duhigg, 2024, p. 101).
What is the best thing that you can do in a conversation according to Epley?
Ask questions; ask about people’s loves, about what they’re feeling, hopes, fears, struggles, disappointments, joys & ambitions (Duhigg, 2024, p. 87)
What shapes every conversation?
Our emotions. When we share our feelings and ask other people to share theirs with us, we see how they might connect (Duhigg, 2024, p. 87)
Your friend tells you that their PI has been giving them a really hard time in the lab. Instead of immediately giving advice what should you do?
Reciprocity (sharing your own vulnerability can help build emotional connection as long as your response acknowledges the person’s experience (Duhigg, 2024, p. 67)
What is the key to starting a “How do we feel?” conversation?
Teaching people to ask specific kinds of questions, the kinds that don't seem emotional but make emotions easier to acknowledge (Duhigg, 2024, p. 81)
What types of questions are powerful?
The types of questions that made people share their beliefs, values, or meaningful experiences usually resulted in emotional replies. This doesn't mean that the questions have to seem emotional; they are powerful because they help people share their vulnerabilities (Duhigg, 2024, p. 91).
When do emotions actually become involved?
They are always involved. In this chapter Charles Duhigg says that “emotions come into play every time we open our mouths or listen to what someone says” (Duhigg, 2024, p. 82)
Instead of asking someone “where do you work” what is another question you can ask to encourage deeper conversation?
Examples:
What do you enjoy most about your job?
What was your favorite job?
Encourages sharing feelings/experiences not just stating facts or staying surface level (Duhigg, 2024, p. 68–69)
What might we see during a successful conversation?-
We see people asking the kinds of questions that drew out specific responses. More specifically, those that would bring up the person’s needs, goals, beliefs and emotions (Duhigg, 2024, p. 96).
When did the “Fast Friends” procedure work?
It worked when people took turns asking each other questions. If only one person was asking the questions, the procedure did not work (Duhigg, 2024, p. 93).
What is emotional contagion?
Humans synchronize their emotions with the emotions of other people around them (Duhigg, 2024, p. 92). Essentially, our emotions are shared with the people around us, whether we want to or not.
You are having a conversation with the person beside you in lecture and they mention that this class has been really overwhelming for them. What could you ask to turn this into a deeper, more meaningful conversation?
Examples:
What has been the most overwhelming part for you?
How has everything been affecting you?
Encourages sharing feelings/experiences not just stating facts or staying surface level (Duhigg, 2024, p. 68-69)
How does the "How do we feel conversation?” actually work?
We have people reveal their own vulnerabilities. This lets us share our vulnerabilities, creating emotional connections (Duhigg, 2024, p. 95).
What is the difference between perspective taking and perspective getting?
Perspective taking involved putting yourself in someone's shoes and imaging how the person thinks or feels (Duhigg, 2024, p. 61-62).
Prospective getting is asking questions to understand the person’s thoughts, feelings, values, and experiences (Duhigg, 2024, p. 63).
What are the best listeners actually doing?
They are actually triggering emotions. They do this through “asking questions, expressing their own emotions, doing things that prompt the other person to say something real” (Duhigg, 2024, p. 99)
You and two friends are completing the 36 question activity. With one friend you answer 36 questions before your friend responds while with your other friend you take turns. Which friend are you more likely to develop a connection with?
The friend you are going back and forth with as you are taking turns reciprocating and sharing vulnerability to match each other emotionally. The fast friends procedure was more effective this way (Duhigg, 2024, p. 93).
How can we avoid "How do we feel?” conversations?
By engaging in what is commonly known as small talk. Small talk “denies us access to a powerful neural process that has evolved over millions of years to help us bond” (Duhigg, 2024, p. 83). By not acknowledging anyone else’s vulnerability or being vulnerable in return, we lose out on “building trust, understanding, and connection” (Duhigg, 2024, p. 83).
What is the cycle that helps us connect?
Asking deep questions (about feelings, values, beliefs, and experiences)
This creates vulnerability
Vulnerability triggers contagion
Then we have connection
This cycle can be seen on page 93.
Why is the Fast Friends or 36 questions procedure effective?
The matching principle! They are effective because “they help people match each other emotionally,” and the back-and-forth between participants “encourages everyone to offer and then reciprocate vulnerability” (Duhigg, 2024, p. 93). The reciprocity piece here is the key to the matching principle, which makes it effective (Duhigg, 2024, p. 94).
Imagine that a friend tells you that they lost their sister recently. Based on what Duhigg said he wished others had done when his father passed, how would you respond?
Do not avoid the topic
Ask a question such as “what was your sister like?”
Opens the door for the person to share their feelings/memories. Listening and showing genuine interest can help create deep emotional connections (Duhigg, 2024, p. 72).