The Five Secrets of Effective Communication
This is when you find the truth in what the other person is saying, even if you disagree.
What is The Disarming Technique (DT)?
Depressed
What is disappointed, blue, down, unhappy, disheartened, low, despairing, sad, hurt, lost, dejected, miserable?
What to say instead?
What is "I Feel" statements?
“Mommy is feeling a little frustrated right now.”
“I feel” statements (IF) : Express your own feelings using “I feel” statements. Do this without blaming or inadvertently manipulating. And rather than saying "you" statements, such as "You're wrong!" or "You're making me furious!"
“I feel that you’re wrong.”
(What you can say instead, reframe?)
What is common errors people make when trying to use “I Feel” Statements?
I feel picked on, blamed, put down, etc.
Reference your Feeling Word List.
A common error saying “I feel that . . . ” followed by something about the other person, such as “I feel that you’re wrong.” This is not the expression of your feelings, but a criticism of the other person.
"You're right. I was late and I let you down."
(Identify 5 secrets)
What is Disarming Technique (DT)?
Restate what the other person said in your own words to show you understand (and give the person a chance to correct if you got it wrong).
What is Thought Empathy (TE)?
Anxious
What is worried, afraid, scared, nervous, apprehensive, uptight, tense, terrified, panicky, fearful, frightened, and alarmed.
"You can't keep coming home late! It's so inconsiderate."
What is I "Feel Statement" (IF)? I feel worried when you come home late. I can't sleep.
"I Feel" Statements (IF). Express your own ideas and feelings in a direct, tactful manner. Do this without blaming or inadvertently manipulating. And rather than saying "you" statements, such as "You're coming home late!" or "You're so inconsiderate!"
I am afraid that if I share my feelings openly and allow myself to be vulnerable. Something bad will happen. And people might take advantage of me or use the information to hurt me.
What is common sources of resistance?
Many human beings, and perhaps most of us, tend to repress our feelings and hide them from others, thinking we “shouldn’t” feel the way we do. For example, if you feel worthless you may feel the urge to hide your feelings from others.
I wonder if you’re feeling hurt and annoyed, and maybe even a bit angry with me. Is that how you've been feeling?
(Identify 5 secrets)
What is Feeling Empathy (FE)?
(Guess what the other person is feeling in light of what they just said (and give them a chance to correct if you got it wrong).
Guess what the other person is feeling in light of what they just said (and give them a chance to correct if you got it wrong).
What is Feeling Empathy (FE)?
Criticized
What is picked on, put down, insulted, judged, blamed, intimidated, defensive, and condemned.
"I feel disrespected and rejected."
What can be said instead?
What is I "Feel Statement" (IF)?
Use the feeling word list to help. For example, "I am feeling insulted and hurt."
Express your own ideas and feelings in a direct and tactful manner. Only communicate feelings that you are having, not things like "I feel disrespected" which is the same as saying "You are disrespecting me". The feeling should be about you. If it ends in "ed", make sure it is something about you (like I feel tired), and not something about them like I feel disrespected (same as You are being disrespectful). If it's not about you, it's not a "feeling" for the purposes of EAR communication.
If you immediately tell yourself that you are being disrespected when a person does not behave the way you want them to, remind yourself that you are jumping to conclusions. Think about the alternative reasons the person is acting this way. Few people make it a goal to disrespect others.
Avoid using “why questions”. Instead of saying “Why did you do that?”
What is Inquiry (IN)?
Instead say “What was going on that made you want to do that. What were you feeling?”
“There is nothing wrong with me. It's all my parents. I don't want to be here. They expect too much of me.”
(Identify 5 secrets and reframe)
What is Thought Empathy (TE)? "You're right we do expect too much from you. It's really too much. It makes sense that you don't want to be here. I hate it when people force me to do things I don't want to do and they don't see things the way I do. It makes me super super frustrated and angry.
Ask gentle questions to learn more about what the other person is feeling and needing.
What is Inquiry?
Angry
“I feel really sad and ashamed to hear you say that I was selfish and insensitive."
What is I "Feel Statement" (IF)?
"I Feel" Statements (IF). Express your own ideas and feelings in a direct and tactful manner.
Sometimes __________ is not always going to help. If the person is really dysregulated, they might need a hug or time to themselves. They won’t be able to hear you if they’re too upset. Remember, if heart rates are over 120 BPM, no learning or problem solving will be effective.
What is talking/empathizing?
“I love you. You’re special to me. I love when you use your words."
(Identify 5 secrets)
What is Stroking (ST) : Find something genuinely nice to say to the person that is positive and kind.
Stay calm and respectful, and point out some genuinely good things about the other person. This means seeing their kindness even if they're not showing it right now. What do you like about them. You can still be angry, and let them know it, but point out the good things about them that make you like them too.
What is Stroking or Affirmation?
Tired
What is exhausted, weary, fatigued, sleepy, drained, worn out, lethargic, and wiped out.
Give an example of when you used an "I feel" statement this week.
I feel _________? (use feeling word list)
Being patient all the time is not possible. Give other caregivers a turn so that you can recharge for more successful interactions with people.
What is self-care, daily mood log, pleasure predicting worksheet, or relationship journal?
"What was going on for you when that happened? Tell me more."
(Identify 5 secrets)
What is Inquiry (IN)?
Inquiry (IN) : Ask open ended questions to show them that you want to know more about how they are feeling.