Stuck in the Middle
Goals
That's why it's called the "500 lb. gorilla."
Serious conflict can be threatening, scary, and uncomfortable to embrace. Though our natural instincts are to ignore the negative tension, even minor frustrations can easily become larger issues if they are not addressed. That's why it's called the "500 lb. gorilla." It's the looming root issue that may be frightening to confront but certainly won't go away without action. You have to be the one who strategically invites it into the room and helps both parties deal with the real issue until some sort of resolution is achieved.
The external threat is normally easy to see. If the conflict is between two people on your team, you point to the project that is bogged down or the tension that is so thick you can feel it in the air. You may also show them how everyone around them is being affected by failing to deal with the issue.
In your own words, explain how glossing over conflict can derail a project or affect a relationship. How could a mediator change the outcome?
Invite the gorilla. Provide the glasses.
Questions?
Don't forget to check the meeting complete and make sure all course work is done!
Key Principles
I don’t think anyone ever gets completely used to conflict. If it’s not a little uncomfortable, then it’s not real. The key is to keep doing it anyway.” -Patrick Lencioni, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team: A Leadership Fable
“Invite the 500 lb gorilla into the room.” - Andy Stanley
"glasses"
The "glasses" are about using your words to provide perspective. When emotions are high, it can be extremely difficult for either party to clearly perceive the reality of the situation. If you're stuck in the middle, it's the best thing you can do.
Understanding what is at stake internally may take a bit more digging. Pay close attention when they talk about the issue. They may describe feelings of anger, hurt, or sadness.
If they would just apologize and do what I said, everything would work out!”
Now we get down to the nitty-gritty. In order to move ahead and put your team back on track, there needs to be a clear plan in place to move forward. There are many potential ways to do this. The goal is not to have someone simply point a finger across the table and say something like, “If they would just apologize and do what I said, everything would work out!”
Help Them See
There are three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything
When have you experienced a conflict where your feeling brain took over and left your thinking brain behind? How could your thinking brain have helped calm the situation?
When have I not had conflict and the feeling brain took over. I have to try to remember to think it through and not react on emotion. A good go to is never make a fast decision, sleep on it one night. This allows your thinking brain time to process the information.
Helping them clearly see what is at stake internally and externally will bring the proper gravity to the situation and provide the energy for resolution.