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How do you tell if a vampire is sick?
Answer: See if he is coffin.
What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race?
Answer: Ketchup.
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
Answer: A dino-snore.
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
Answer: A father-in-law.
What runs but never goes anywhere?
Answer: A fridge.
What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her?
Answer: Namaste.
What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?
Answer: One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.
What do you call an alligator detective?
Answer: An investi-gator.
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pen?
Answer: Because it’s pointless.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Answer: Because he was outstanding in his field.
Where can you buy soup in bulk?
Answer: The stock market.
Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?
Answer: She kept running away from the ball!
What do you need to cook an alligator?
Answer: A croc-pot.
what happened to the Italian chef who had an accident the other day?
Answer: Unfortunately, he pasta way.
Why did the deer go to the dentist?
Answer: It had buck teeth.
What’s the biggest cause of dry skin?
Answer: Towels.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
Answer: Depresso.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Answer: Because the “P” is silent.
What do you call a pig that does karate?
Answer: A pork chop.
What do you call fake spaghetti?
Answer: An im-pasta.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Answer: Stable.
When do computers overheat?
Answer: When they need to vent.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Answer: Because they use honeycombs.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Answer: Because then it would be a foot.
What do you call a tree with a bad haircut
Answer: CHOPPED