MOTHERS
I'm so proud of you?
This is PRAISE:
Yes, mother; You should always be proud of your child. However, and more importantly, your child should be proud of themselves.
ENCOURAGE them by saying, "You should be proud of yourself."
When you say, "You should be proud of yourself,"
2 things usually happen:
1. They know that you LOVE and proud of them by your tone of voice and your body language
2. They will develop internal motivation to continue doing the things they themselves are proud of.
"Yes, you made me proud."
This is PRAISE:
Yes, dad, your child made you proud. However, and more importantly, your child should be proud of themselves.
ENCOURAGE them by saying, "You should be proud of yourself."
When you say, "You should be proud of yourself," 2 things usually happen.
1. They know by your tone of voice and your body language that you are proud of them.
2. They will develop internal motivation to continue to do the things that they are proud of.
"Grandma is so happy that you did it"
This is PRAISE:
Yes, grandma, you should be happy. However, and more importantly, your child should be happy they did it.
ENCOURAGE them by saying, "You did it, and I know you work hard."
When you say, "I know you work hard,"
They start to believe in themselves that the hard work will pay off all the time.
"You such a good husband."
This is PRAISE:
If you don't like what your husband does next time, does that mean he is a bad husband?
Focus on what your husband did instead of your husband.
"I like how you are always before everyone."
This is PRAISE
ENCOURAGEMENT the students who are always on time by saying, "You should be proud of yourself for always making an effort to be here on time."
"You work hard at practice today."
This is ENCOURAGEMENT
BIG TIME
Why kids misbehave?
To get ATTENTION or POWER.
90% of misbehaviour from your child is either Attention seeking behaviour or Power seeking behaviour.
What is PRAISE:
What is ENCOURAGEMENT
PRAISE: Dictionary: To Express favourable Judgement
ENCOURAGEMENT:Dictionary: To Inspire with courage; To spur on.
"You are a smart kid."
This is PRAISE:
When you tell a child that they are smart, they will always want to live up to that praise. Eventually they become PRAISE JUNKIES. always wanting others approval. On the other hand, if they don't get the grade that they wanted, they might think that they are not as smart. Slowly, they will lose confidence in themselves
ENCOURAGE them by saying " You worked on hard on your homework each night and thats the result of working hard"
"WOW, another A in math.?"
This is PRAISE
When mothers talk about the actual grade, they are setting their kids up for failure. Not all kids are capable of A work. Therefore mothers should focus on their effort and improvement.
ENCOURAGEMENT them by saying, "Wow, you focused a lot on your math homework" or "You work hard on improving your math skills."
These statements motivate them internally.
"I really enjoyed our special time together."
This is ENCOURAGEMENT
You are fostering emotional connection.
"You are so strong."
This is PRAISE
ENCOURAGEMENT: "You persevered. That is called mental strength. You should be proud of yourself."
"You really seem to enjoy art."
This is ENCOURAGEMENT
"You are becoming a good shooter."
This is PRAISE
ENCOURAGE You, athletes, by saying, "You've been working hard work on your shot
Attention seeking behaviour means
Behaviours that get your attention:
Interrupting + Distracting + doing things they know that not supposed to be doing.
This usually happens when they are not emotionally connected to the caregivers.
THE PAYOFF THAT THEY ARE GETTING: To feel secure in the family. They want to feel like they fit in the family.
What does ENCOURAGEMENT focus on?
ENCOURAGE Focuses on the “Deed” and "Effort & Improvement"
"Terrific effort."
This is ENCOURAGEMENT
Anytime you talk about their effort and improvement, it is compelling to motivate them internally. They will most likely put in the effort when doing any task.
"That's what I call teamwork."
This is ENCOURAGEMENT
AGAIN, you are focusing on teamwork, VS focusing on the actual person in the team.
"That's what I call teamwork." This statement will motivate their internal compass to focus on teamwork
"You are good at skating."
This is PRAISE
ENCOURAGE them by saying, "I can see that you worked hard at skating."
REMEMBER that children always want to impress us so they will continue to work hard. It doesn't matter how good they are; the most important thing is that they are working hard each time.
"You are the best talker in the universe. You should be a debater."
That is PRAISE
ENCOURAGE: "You worked very hard on improving your speech each time."
That A represents a lot of hard work."
This is ENCOURAGEMENT
You are actually focusing on the hard work, which will motivate the student to continue to work hard.
"The team deserves ice cream today."
This is PRAISE
Encourage your team by saying, "our team worked very hard for hard in practice, and today we see the results of all our hard work."
Power seeking behaviour
When they do the opposite of what they are supposed to do + when they say they are not doing it +, they don't want to do the task.
This usually happens when a caregiver is always ordering, directing and correcting them. This is also a controlling mentality.
PAYOFF FOR THEM:
They want to feel capable + How they make a difference, + They want to contribute in meaningful ways + They want to have personal power.
PRAISE focus the external motivation
ENCOURAGEMENT focus on internal motivation
"Wow, the bedroom is clean and organized."
This is ENCOURAGEMENT
In this case you are focusing on the status of the bedroom and not giving orders or praise. Please stay away from saying things like "This is how the room supposed to be" or "Finally the room is clean"
Motivate them from within when you encourage!
"That's how your room supposed to be"
This is PRAISE
ENCOURAGE them by saying, " Wow, you should be proud of yourself for cleaning your room."
"I trust you."
What is PRAISE
"I trust your judgement."
This is ENCOURAGEMENT
You are building confidence in your spouse when you use such terms.
"Look how Susie is sitting quietly."
This is PRAISE
Teachers usually use one or more children to send a message to the others in the class.
This is a slippery slope because the others seem like they are not as quiet as Sussie, which will cause tension later on.
"You never gave up, even when you were tired."
This is ENCOURAGEMENT
BIG TIME
"A mishave child is a discouraged child."
Who is Rudolf Drikures
"A mishave child is a discouraged child."
They are misbehaved because they have insufficient positive attention and an insufficient amount of positive power.
REMEMBER:
A child's biological needs are Attention and Power.
PRAISE stimulates rivalry and competition
ENCOURAGEMENT Stimulates corporation and contributions for the good of all
"You score a goal in almost every game. You are a good soccer player"
This is PRAISE
This statement ("You score a goal in almost every game. You are a good soccer player"") is setting up your child to lose confidence eventually. What if he goes the entire season whithout scoring a goal?
ENCOURAGE them by saying " You work hard on your soccer game. I see you putting in the work at practice even when you are tired"
REMEMBER that children want to impress their moms. Therefore they will continue to WORK HARD in whatever they are doing.
"You are improving every week."
This is ENCOURAGEMENT
AGAIN, when you focus on improving, it always a great way to motivate them to continue to improve.
"That's coming along nicely."
What is ENCOURAGEMENT
"I appreciate your help, honey."
This is ENCOURAGEMENT
Although you use the word "I," you are really focusing on the help.
"You deserve a hug for coming first place."
This is PRAISE
ENCOURAGEMENT your student-athlete by saying, "You trained hard every day, and you are now reaping the benefit, and you should be very proud of yourself."
"You should be an All-Star this year."
This is PRAISE
ENCOURAGE Your athletes by saying, "You work really hard on your game; it shows when you are playing"
4 ways we discourage our kids
Criticize
Humiliate
Mock
Using sarcasm even in a teasing manner
These things are very discouraging to our kids.
"A misbehaving child is a discouraged child" - Rudolf Drikures
PRAISE focuses on quality of performance
ENCOURAGEMENT focuses on effort and joy
"I like how you are always organized."
This is PRAISE
ENCOURAGE them by saying"
It must make you feel good that you planned ahead and got everything done in time"
ALWAYS focus on thier effort and improvemnt. This will motivate them internally
"I trust your judgement."
ENCOURAGEMENT
Although you are using the word "I," you tell your child that you have faith in what they are about to do. You believe in them.
"You are better than ever."
This is PRAISE
ENCOURAGE them by saying "look how far you've come"
"You are the best cook I have ever known."
This is PRAISE
ENCOURAGEMENT your spouse by saying, "Wow, you are improving on your cooking skills every time you step foot in the kitchen."
"You're doing great."
This is PRAISE
ENCOURAGE your student by saying, "You're improving."
"You are a good soccer player."
This is PRAISE
ENCOURAGE your athletes by saying, "I'm happy to see you working so hard on your on your soccer game."
7 ways we subtle discourage our kids
Comparing our kids.
Overprotecting our kids.
Doing things for them that they can do
for themselves.
Labelling our kids.
Expecting perfection.
Talk to others about our kids.
Assuming our kids can’t be polite.
“Every time we DISCOURAGE a child, even without knowing it, we take away just a little bit of their SIGNIFICANCE.”
Rudolf Dreikurs | MD
PRAISE create quitters and foster dependence
ENCOURAGEMENT create triers, foster Self-efficiency and independence