Barriers to being effective
Name two things that could get in the way of being effective with other people
lack of skills
don't know what you want
emotions
prioritizing short-term over long-term goals
other people
thoughts/beliefs
What are the potential goals or areas in which we are always trying to be effective in any interaction?
objective, relationship, self-respect
What does objectives effectiveness mean?
Getting what you want from another person; what result or outcome do I want?
What does relationship effectiveness mean?
Keeping and improving a relationship; how do I want the other person to think and feel about me? (whether or not I get what i want)
What does self-respect effectiveness mean?
Keeping or improving self-respect; how do I want to feel about myself after this interaction (whether or not I get what I want)
What would be an example of a thought or belief I might have that would get in the way of my being effective with other people?
Why is it important to clarify your goals and priorities before an interaction?
Which skill do we use for objectives effectiveness?
DEAR MAN
Which skill do we use for relationship effectiveness?
GIVE
Which skill do we use for self-respect effectiveness?
FAST
Some people have come to believe the myth:
"I don't deserve to get what I want or need."
How would you challenge that statement? What would be a more accurate statement?
Different potential responses...
Everyone deserves to have their needs met and that includes me.
I'm human and as deserving as anybody else.
Might damage relationships or self-respect
What does DEAR MAN stand for?
Describe
Express
Assert
Reinforce
(Stay) Mindful
(Appear) Confident
Negotiate
What does GIVE stand for?
(Be) Gentle
(Act) Interested
Validate
Easy Manner
What does FAST stand for?
(Be) Fair
(No) Apologies
Stick to values
(Be) Truthful
Give an example of how a short-term goal might get in the way of building the relationship I want with someone longer term.
Lots of potential options...
What happens if we always prioritize a relationship and going along with what someone else wants?
Could end up damaging the relationship - our feelings could build leading to increasing resentment until eventually we blow up or end the relationship; might also impact our own self-respect
Do a DEAR MAN to get out of having DBT homework.
(lots of potential options here!)
Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce
Describe some various different "levels" or ways to validate someone
Pay attention, Reflect back, Read minds, Understand, Acknowledge the valid, Show equality
What does it mean to Be Fair?
validate your own feelings and wishes as well as the other person's; striking a balance between taking advantage of others and not sticking up for yourself
Some people have learned to believe the myth:
"Saying no to a request is always a selfish thing to do."
How would you challenge that belief? What might be a more balanced statement?
Lots of potential options...
It's okay to prioritize my own needs sometimes.
Always saying yes even when I don't want to might make me feel resentful and that can hurt the relationship I care so much about.
Use an example to talk about how you might consider and balance or prioritize the three different goals of interpersonal effectiveness.
Example should include thinking about what is my objective, how do I want the other person to feel about me, how do I want to feel about myself. Ideally I'm trying to achieve all 3, but think about which is my priority if I can only achieve 1 or 2...
A neighbor wants you to drive them to the store. You've been helping with lots of errands and it's starting to feel like too much for you. Do a DEAR MAN to say no to this request.
(lots of options here again!)
Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce)
Your case manager says they aren't able to do something you wanted them to do. They're going to be busy that day helping other clients and because they're taking some vacation, the rest of the week has gotten packed full and they don't have as much time available. Validate your case manager to express understanding for where they're coming from to help maintain a positive relationship.
I know you have a lot of people that you're trying to juggle. That sounds stressful trying to pack everything into just a few days since you're taking vacation. I know how much you care and want to help so it must be hard for you having to say no.
What does it mean to Stick to Your Values? What is an example of a Value you have that you would want to maintain, even if there's conflict with someone else?
Not selling out your own values to get what you want or make someone else like you